I’m break­ing my writ­ing cycle today because I feel like writ­ing. Well, no, I don’t feel like writ­ing, I feel like express­ing, venting.

For some rea­son, I felt lost all day. At one point it made me nau­seous, and I started to break into sweats and get flushed in the face. I thought I could make it an entire week with­out one off day, until this day hap­pened. There was a very gen­eral feel­ing of uneasi­ness, but that may be a con­tin­u­a­tion of yes­ter­day. I was really ner­vous before Doug’s birth­day gath­er­ing; I didn’t know who was going and that made me really ner­vous. I still don’t know why.

So I admit, I dropped an exces­sive amount of money on a Hitachi DZMV550A Digital DVD-RAM cam­corder. My only excuse is that I had been plan­ning on pur­chas­ing a cam­corder since the sum­mer, and vowed to do so as soon as I could afford it. This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing, it was a care­fully incu­bated desire which kept grow­ing into the per­fectly guilt-free shop­ping expe­ri­ence I had. Besides, Aaron talked the man down $110, but I saved $210 in total from addi­tional sales.

I had been look­ing around for a wide-angle lens all day, but none of the four major(ly acces­si­ble) photo stores had them in stock. I’m a lit­tle dis­ap­pointed in the stock range of the wide-angle, and have been find­ing it dif­fi­cult to capture…basically more than one per­son. In any case, I’ll prob­a­bly have to order it online, and hope­fully it’ll come in before I see John in the new year, which is why I bought the camcorder.

I also admit that I had absolutely noth­ing planned for today, aside from pick­ing up my duvet from the dry-cleaners because Dolly had an acci­dent last week. Normally, I have the next night planned the day before, usu­ally either writing/hanging out with Trolley or gaming/hanging out with Trolley, so an unplanned evening is gen­er­ally a good thing. Today, I only real­ized that I had noth­ing planned when I got home, and it just made me feel uneasy.

And I also have to admit that I lis­tened to the audi­ologs of a “goth” I found online, for part of the day. It was strangely com­fort­ing, because of how humourous his mono­logue is, in a very deathly seri­ous, non-jocular way. He laughs to him­self a lot, and talks about his (hor­ren­dous) site updates, his smok­ing, his drugs, his self-proclaimed “flat­ter­ing” copy­cat from vampirefreaks.com. Just know­ing that I’m not as com­mis­er­able as this guy makes me feel bet­ter. I sub­mit­ted it as an awful link of the day on Something Awful, and I’m almost cer­tain it’ll make it. Funny note, Jackie used to date the guy who runs that site.

I really, really don’t know what this mood is now. It’s not mali­cious. It’s a lit­tle stoic, and almost con­fi­dent as a result of that. I’m also a lit­tle scared.

Of what, I don’t know.