I understand. A lack of feedback is the ultimate test of confidence, one of the many crucibles of a relationship. The strong make it through, the weak fall apart.
I have to be strong. I have to cast aside my insecurities, and not look back. I have to trust in Louise as much as she trusts in me. I have to be more open, more communicative. How can I be sure of what she thinks if I don’t speak to her first?
I have to be strong. I have to treat Louise better. She shouldn’t be paying for my bad days. I have to push through the weight, or we both pay, the vicious bad-mood cycle. I have to be firm first, or there is nothing for her to support.
I have to be strong. I once asked Louise for three things, and I can’t be scared to ask for others. I have to take that leap of faith, because love is nothing without risk.
Do people really become stronger from pressure? I’ve always cracked, and it feels like I’m cracking now. Is this what the strong have gone through?
No one can promise that I won’t get hurt. No one can help me.
And I have to be strong enough to deal with both.
Yes, I do think people become stronger under pressure. There are two possibilities of pressure, once one reaches the zenith, when it seems it can’t get any worse. One either submits to all the stress, falling clutching their head about how it’s too much…and they submit to even more hurt, more drudgery. Or one can force through that zenith, which is false. There is something harder just beyond it, very hard, but very quick to pass. And once past that there will be perhaps an intense pain, a guilt or regret. But it is momentary. You might think about it later, but always regard it as unavoidable. And from then on, it will seem that all other things are never, ever as bad.
Of course, this is just my opinion, from how I came to live my life.
I’m currently the opposite…one who submits to the zenith and cracks. All my strength has been from a very gradual conscious effort, nothing forced, and I think it’s done well for me. Being forced reminds me too much of my childhood, a bad taste in my mouth that I can’t get rid of. I think that’s what makes things especially hard, since I tend to disagree with it, so it’s like I’m fighting for a cause I don’t believe in. An associated risk is that one day, I’ll either make it or break.
i cant help but feel like i’ve forced alot of this on you. Shit or get off the pot so to speak. I feel like an emotional/physical drain on you and i dont like feeling that way. The way i live my life is supposed to make me closer to the person i’m with, its not supposed to drive issues between us.
i dont know what to do, i feel like you’re pushing me away because you know i’ll be gone for 4 weeks.
On the days that I have it bad, I just remind myself that things could be a lot worst. That usually makes me feel better.
“Don’t depend on anything or anyone and Don’t expect anything from anyone”. Life becomes 10 times harder to cope with following these rules, but in the end, the only thing that can bring you down is yourself.