October 31, 2004

Halloween ’04

1

Thumbnail: Halloween Super Troopers

Last year, I went to a Halloween party dressed as a Super Trooper with Aaron and Wheaties (I have only recently acquired the image), and wound up being drunk out of my skull. I tried not to make the same mis­take this year, and see­ing as how I don’t really drink any­more, it wasn’t much of a problem.

Thumbnail: Place settings at Aaron's and Karen's

Instead, Aaron and Karen hosted a small gath­er­ing, which I attended, where home­made chicken pot pie was served, and no one dressed in costume.

Thumbnail: Halloween doughnuts with bat sprinkles

Tim Hortons is doing its sea­sonal dough­nut, which is a funky look­ing dough­nut with bat and pump­kin sprinkles.

Thumbnail: Cheat pumpkin carving

Unfortunately, I had to miss out on a pump­kin carv­ing party, due to a fairly stress­ful week caus­ing a lack of desire to social­ize. Trolley did the Cheat from Homestar Runner, and it turned out pretty well.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
October 30, 2004

The Zarathustra Sessions, Part 4: Dependency

0

Many a one can­not deliver him­self from his own chains and yet he is his friend’s deliverer.

—Of The Friend, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

What is it about ones own prob­lems that can be so dif­fi­cult to over­come? What blinds some­one so much that they can’t help them­selves? Why is it only our friends that can bring us out of the worst situations?

I’ve come to real­ize that I fuck­ing HATE cry­ing in front of almost any­one. Pat, Aaron, John are the only peo­ple I’m com­fort­able cry­ing in front of. I’m com­fort­able around them enough that I don’t have to worry about bor­ing them, or feel­ing weak, or think­ing that my prob­lems are petty. All they care about is the state-of-mind of a friend in dis­tress, and noth­ing else. I can relax, be myself, con­cen­trate on my prob­lems, instead of fret­ting over how wor­ried I might be mak­ing them, some­thing I find extremely dif­fi­cult to do.

I remem­ber once, Trolley was hav­ing cod­ing prob­lems at work that was caus­ing him to stay late and go in on week­ends. I explained the sit­u­a­tion to Aaron, and we both agreed that we wanted to show up at his work and help him out. Unforutantely, it was even­tu­ally decided that we would hin­der more than help, due to our inex­pe­ri­ence with the soft­ware, and the fact that learn­ing the nec­es­sary code would take longer than the time we could save.

Even though Aaron and I could do noth­ing to help, I remem­ber feel­ing good about the zeal with which we sought solu­tions. Not only tak­ing great plea­sure in the fact that I could do some­thing to help a friend out, but the fact that it came so eas­ily. That my first reac­tion was to drop every­thing, and shar­ing the exact same sen­ti­ment with Aaron.

Knowing I have friends who are will­ing to do the same for me is what makes me stoic. Knowing that I have peo­ple I can relax around when I’m cry­ing, sob­bing, at my most vul­ner­a­ble, is what keeps me sane. Knowing that I have peo­ple who would put me before them­selves when nec­es­sary, while not hav­ing to worry about them at the same time, is what makes me stronger. Knowing that I have peo­ple I can trust enough to depend on, is what gives me courage. Knowing that I have peo­ple to fall back on is what keeps me from falling in the first place.

And per­haps this is why I couldn’t do this alone.

Tagged as
Filed under
Thoughts
October 27, 2004

Deal

2

I’ve never been against any form of (non-permanent) self-mutilation, as long as it’s not con­sid­ered a solu­tion to a prob­lem. After all, some peo­ple watch TV to get their minds off things, oth­ers pull out carv­ing knives and make designs on their arms. Neither activ­ity actu­ally helps a sit­u­a­tion, but are just ways to deal with things that can’t be helped.

I always make sure that I don’t have any razor blades handy. I fig­ure that if it ever gets to the very rare point that I want to cut, I’ll be calm again by the time I go out and buy some, sort of like a cool-down period for firearms.

I’m proud of the fact that I’m strong enough now to resist, that if I did have a pack handy, I wouldn’t reach for it as a release.

Tagged as
Filed under
Random
October 26, 2004

Crier

2

I’ve gained a cer­tain noto­ri­ety amongst some as being a crier, but today was the first time that I actu­ally had a break­down. The first time there wasn’t just a sin­gle thing that brought me to tears, but sev­eral, which, by them­selves, would have been tol­er­a­ble. And even though I’ve long known and been an advo­cate of the prac­ti­cal aspects of lachry­mol­ogy, today was the first time that I still felt like shit when I couldn’t cry any more.

This song in my head is telling me about how the stars keep shin­ing down, the world keeps turn­ing ’round, not to let these hard­ships bring me down because times like these will come around. I believe him, because I’ve been there. I’ve been to the point where I wished my inter­est in sui­cide was just a cry for atten­tion, and I’ve been to the point where it felt like noth­ing could bring me down.

All I know right now is that I’m going to get through this week, but it’s not going to be easy.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
October 26, 2004

The Silly Walker

2

Sometimes, if I hap­pen to be walk­ing some­where, I’ll walk next to some­one just to see how they han­dle the awk­ward­ness. I find that most peo­ple are so uncom­fort­able with it that they will actu­ally slow down. Sometimes I’ll also match their pace, and they end up slow­ing down so much that it becomes very obvi­ous, and I can tell that they start to won­der if I’m doing it on purpose.

This morn­ing, I was walk­ing next to a woman seemed so dis­tressed by it, that after a while, she feigned run­ning for a bus that she had absolutely no chance of catching.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
October 22, 2004

The Autumn Leaves

1

Les feuilles mortes se ramassent à la pelle,
Les sou­venirs et les regrets aussi
Mais mon amour silen­cieux et fidèle
Sourit tou­jours et remer­cie la vie

—Jacques Prévert, Les feuilles mortes

Thumbnail: Autumn leaves

The leaves shuf­fle past on the side­walk, and all I can think about is how, every sin­gle day, the weather can be so dif­fer­ent, so uniquely beautiful.

An accou­trement, she calls her­self. An intel­li­gent, ener­getic, pas­sion­ate acces­sory, what bet­ter bijou? So I wear her on my arm, along with my ribbed sweater and depend­able jeans, while walk­ing along the streets on a com­fort­ably cool afternoon.

The autumn days are ours.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
October 20, 2004

It’s a D/s life: Stepping Outside The Circle

3

When I made the deci­sion to jour­ney into this lifestyle, I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, although I sus­pected that it would be eas­ier for me than for other novice dom­i­nants, just from the fact that I have a very clear of idea of what I want in life and know myself well (or believe it at least).

The hard­est thing has been step­ping out­side of my com­fort zone, or what Warren describes as, “the psy­cho­log­i­cal bar­ri­ers to under­tak­ing such a polit­i­cally incor­rect activ­ity.” It’s ironic; he warns, “…keep in mind that by admit­ting her desires, [the sub­mis­sive] could be seen to be reject­ing gains that women have slowly and painfully made over the last 20, 50, 100 years”, some­thing I under­stand com­pletely, but it’s not Loo who’s wor­ried about reject­ing these gains.

It’s me.

After all, as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been pro­grammed by soci­ety to a cer­tain degree. No vio­lence against women, females are to be treated as equals, et cetera. And along with this are my own pro­grammed morals and beliefs. Expect noth­ing from any­one. Punishment does more harm than good. The list goes on in var­ied and incon­sis­tent ways. What makes it all harder is the fact that break­ing out of the bub­ble must be done out of self-interest. As much as I’d like to keep remind­ing myself that this is not only what Louise wants, but needs in a rela­tion­ship, I have to forgo the rein­forc­ing of any such idea. To acknowl­edge it is to ruin the dynamic between Dom and sub.

Interestingly enough, the only way I’ve been able to get past these per­sonal bound­aries has been to not intel­lec­tu­al­ize them, to act with­out think­ing. To expect a woman to ask for per­mis­sion to leave my side, or come to bed. To have her sit at my feet instead of next to me. To hit her until the point of tears, but not stop. To know that her body is mine, and not her own.

To live this life for me, and not the both of us.

Tagged as
Filed under
Thoughts
October 19, 2004

Stereotyping The Male

4

Know what I hate? No, fuck­ing hate.

I fuck­ing hate it when a girl reduces me, or any guy, for that mat­ter, to a sex. When some PETTY-MINDED FUCK gen­er­al­izes some­one as belong­ing to the group of “males” because of a few char­ac­ter­is­tics shared with the stereo­type. Or brushes off any traits she sees as unpleas­ant as sim­ply being the fault of hav­ing both an X and a Y chromosome.

What the fuck. I don’t place the blame on ‘being female’ when a girl hap­pens to be late get­ting ready to go out. Or when a girl ends up in the mid­dle of a geek talk, I don’t con­de­scend to her and say, “You wouldn’t be inter­ested cause you’re a girl”. I under­stand that girls can be geeky, or pruri­ent, or cere­bral, the same way that guys can be inter­ested in ball­room danc­ing, or chaste, or emotional.

I don’t do guys nights or any shit like that cause I choose not to judge. I don’t auto­mat­i­cally assume that a girl wouldn’t under­stand what hap­pens when the guys are together. I’ve had girls at my LAN par­ties, I know girls who go to strip clubs. And I choose not to act or do any­thing dif­fer­ently if my girl­friend isn’t around, cause I have noth­ing to hide. I don’t want to be fake with either her or my friends.

Not every male is a slave to some­one with breasts. Beer com­mer­cials are not an accu­rate rep­re­sen­ta­tion of the entire male population.

FUCK. God.

Tagged as
Filed under
Random
October 17, 2004

Social

0
Thumbnail: Empty seats at Social
Thumbnail: Social menu and card
Thumbnail: Tableware

A few years ago, while we were still liv­ing together, Pita and I passed by a restau­rant called Social that was along the mar­ket. We looked in at the ele­gant, min­i­mal atmos­phere, the nicely dressed peo­ple, and the intri­cate dishes that were being served to them. Looking at the menu posted out­side, and not­ing the lack of dec­i­mals in the pric­ing (every­thing was in flat dol­lars), it was mutu­ally agreed that going there to dine with­out a rea­son to cel­e­brate was out of our bud­get. Just walk­ing inside was some­thing that we would have to earn, and we made an agree­ment. For the term, if I could man­age all As (any­thing from an A– to an A+, or a GPA of over 8.0) and if he could win his next com­pe­ti­tion (for both stan­dard and Latin ball­room danc­ing) than we would walk in one day and order any­thing we wanted.

The term came and passed, and in the end I only man­aged a bunch of measly grades, while he got bronze at the com­pe­ti­tion. We never spoke of it again.

Until this week. After trav­el­ing abroad for more than a year and work­ing in his native coun­try, Pita came back to Canada to set­tle down. He decided to live the rest of his life in Montreal, but he was able to visit for the week­end. We agreed on lunch at Social, not need­ing any jus­ti­fi­ca­tion between each other. After all, we grad­u­ated, found jobs, started to set­tle down. We hadn’t seen each other in over a year.

He had the duck, I had the lamb. Both were unbe­liev­ably suc­cu­lent, ten­der, and came with fresh sal­ads in a light dress­ing, along with super-thin fries. Even though we weren’t dressed as well as what some would call the “reg­u­lar” patrons, we were served well and with respect, some­thing can’t be said about all the restau­rants I’ve been to. To be hon­est, I’ve never been given a choice of water (reg­u­lar, min­eral, soda, or sparkling, the man told us). I paid this time, and Pita agreed to treat me when I visit him in Montreal.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
October 15, 2004

Half-Ounce

0

Thumbnail: Half-ounce

The half ounce. Financed by one, shared by many.

Tagged as
Filed under
Photos Random
October 15, 2004

Death From Above 1979

0

I have to say more about DFA 1979’s debut LP. I’m amazed that two young guys from Canada could come up with an album that’s as funky, loud, raw, and devel­oped as this. They aren’t the White Stripes, as some have trag­i­cally com­pared. What’s the dif­fer­ence? DFA 1979 doesn’t have shitty vocals, shitty drums, or shitty songs (although they also don’t have a mod­er­ately cute female drum­mer). THEY DON’T EVEN PLAY THE SAME INSTRUMENTS. A BASS IS NOT THE SAME AS A GUITAR YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. WHAT THE HELL WAS YOUR BASIS OF COMPARISON? THE NUMBER OF MEMBERS IN THE BAND? LET’S JUST COMPARE NIRVANA TO THE BRAD MEHLDAU TRIO CAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE THREE MEMBERS.

Anyway.

Listening to Romantic Rights can make any­one feel like a mil­lion bucks just walk­ing down the street. I know I do.

Tagged as
Filed under
Random
October 14, 2004

Cool Water

0

I tried on Cool Water by Davidoff yes­ter­day. It smelled great on the sam­ple card with its dis­tinctly refresh­ing scent, but had the unfor­tu­nate effect of turn­ing into an odor rem­i­nis­cent of paradichloroben­zene as I learned in chem­istry, or what is com­monly referred to as “uri­nal cake”, when applied to my skin. It was an effort to not mic­turate on my wrists for the rest of the day.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
October 12, 2004

Durex Performax

2

Prolongs plea­sure with cli­max con­trol lubricant.

  • Contains heat acti­vated cli­max con­trol lubri­cant on the inside and silky-smooth lubri­cant on the outside
  • Fitted shape for easy-on and great feel
  • Low latex scent
  • WARNING: Premature ejac­u­la­tion may be due to a con­di­tion requir­ing med­ical supervision

I won­der what the tar­get mar­ket is. Men who can’t seem to last longer than eight sec­onds, or sen­si­tive guys who just want to be bet­ter lovers for their woman? I’ve been led to believe that they’re for men who don’t enjoy hav­ing any feel­ings in their cock after sex. (I apol­o­gize for the use of the word cock in the last sen­tence. My entries have been com­mented as being strongly penile, which both­ers some women. The word itself makes some women uncom­fort­able. Penis.)

They remind me of this trip to the den­tist I had when I was young, and had been a bad boy for let­ting a cav­ity develop. Before clean­ing the site and cement­ing the fill­ing, my den­tist stuck me with three nee­dles of local anes­thetic. 15 min­utes later, he came back and started to work sore, fully sen­sa­tional, mouth. I left his office, and shortly after I got home, my mouth went com­pletely numb and I stharted to taalk liyke thith.

Tagged as
Filed under
Random
October 12, 2004

The Time And The Place

0

Thumbnail: Sunrise with fog 1

Thumbnail: Sunrise with fog 2

In ten min­utes, the red­ness of the sky and the morn­ing fog are gone. The day resumes.

Sometimes, liv­ing just means being at the right place at the right time.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
October 9, 2004

The Cat On The Couch

4

Nala has been com­ing into my room when Loo is here. I think she trusts girls more and might even go so far as to be curi­ous about them, pos­si­bly because it was Kate who adopted her. For the first time this morn­ing she accepted food from me. It was a Whiskas Beef Temptations.

Nala eats

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
Pages (2):12