July 30, 2004

Server Up-Time

So much for server uptime. Breaking a dry spell is like reboot­ing after a Windows update; it’s not com­pletely nec­es­sary, but some­times it’s bet­ter to do it sooner than when it’s too late and one ends up with a dead hooker in the apartment.

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July 29, 2004

Higher

When intim­i­da­tion is a good thing…that’s attraction.

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July 28, 2004

Church And State

I wanted to thank you for chang­ing my life.

Then I real­ized that you didn’t do any­thing. You were com­pletely self­ish, com­pletely incon­sid­er­ate. I picked myself up and made the best of what you left me as. Loving you was the impor­tant part, not any­thing that you had ever done.

I real­ized that it wasn’t you who changed my life. It was the expe­ri­ence. It was the con­scious effort to turn my life around.

It was me.

July 26, 2004

The Jeff Identity

Holy fuck, I just found Wizo … Kopfschuss in one of my direc­to­ries. I haven’t heard this song in more than three years. It’s always in a vol­ume of mis­cel­la­neous songs, and I must have skipped over it every time I made my punk playlist. I had totally for­got­ten about it, and now remem­ber how much of a kick­ing fuck­ing song it is. It brings me back to sec­ond year, being at Iain’s place, using Slackware for the first time.

It’s odd to hear a song, almost for the first time because it’s been so long, but still know all the notes as they come. It’s like The Bourne Identity where he has no idea how he knows all this ran­dom shit.

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July 25, 2004

Dashboard Jesus

[kml_flashembed movie=”/videos/dashboardjesus.swf” width=“320” height=“255” wmode=“transparent”/]

The pre­miere of Dashboard Jesus, here to absolve all who used the lord’s name in vain while play­ing Enemy Territory.

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July 25, 2004

Table Tennis Dorks

Aaron has his thing for the snow­board­ing girls, the ones with the pig­tails on the moun­tain who sup­port the Canadian gear com­pa­nies like West 49, Nick has his for long­board­ing girls, Jeff for the hockey girls, and Trolley for the…girls. I think the whole idea is hilar­i­ous, and chuckle to myself when I read about peo­ple like Alexandra Kosteniuk, the attrac­tive Russian girl who became Grandmaster at the age of 13, in the papers. I always imag­ine chess dorks swoon­ing over some spec­tac­u­lar move she makes that’s beyond my comprehension.

Then I saw Biba Golic face some­one in the 2003 Killerspin com­pe­ti­tion, and real­ized that I’m just a table ten­nis dork. It’s not so much the fact that she’s a pro­fes­sional table ten­nis player, but the fact that she plays aggres­sively, almost uncon­ser­v­a­tively. It’s like Jonathan and his thing for drum­mer girls who play with an aggro-ape stance, instead of the dainty, elbows-raised pos­ture that so many female drum­mers seem to have. There’s some­thing about a girl who plays like a guy, whether it’s table ten­nis, drums, or even games. This is going on the updated list soon.

Table ten­nis dorks. I won­der if I’m the first.

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July 24, 2004

Ghost World

I usu­ally have to be in a very spe­cific mood to watch Ghost World, but some­thing about it is strik­ing a chord with me right now, and this time it’s not just SJs sullen voice. The humour is drier than Rushmore, which says some­thing about the skills of Terry Zwigoff’s as a direc­tor. The risk of unsat­u­rated humour is that it very eas­ily goes unrec­og­nized, espe­cially with­out a laugh track. The last time I watched Ghost World was before I ever saw Mr. Show, so it’s only now that I can really appre­ci­ate David Cross’s cameo performance.

Seymour is my god, cause it’s obvi­ously him and he doesn’t care.

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July 23, 2004

Step Into Freedom

I started off the day with my Breathe mix, an ener­getic col­lec­tion of songs that makes me think of deep inhala­tions against a rush of music.

Friday after­noon. I was tempted to leave work early, but held on until 4:15. I put my head­phones on, and as I stepped out of the build­ing, Honour (Juno Mix) by VNV nation was the first thing to come on. It just floored me. I mean, that song is what I based my Breathe mix on.

Hearing the words, “Notify ground troops”, is the best way to step into freedom.

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July 23, 2004

Current Ratio

6 bagels : 8 oz tub of cream cheese.

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July 21, 2004

Earless Listener

Beth. Mysterions. Scratches, beats, drum rolls.

It’s funny. Sometimes I read con­fes­sions on group hug and some­one will be going on about how they have this prob­lem, but they can’t tell any­one because no one would under­stand. Almost every time, no mat­ter what it is, my first reac­tion is to roll my eyes and think to myself, “Trust me, you prob­a­bly know some­one who understands”.

And then I real­ize that this isn’t true, because it isn’t true for me. There are quite a few things that I feel like I can’t tell my friends. Not because I’d be afraid of los­ing them over it, but because none of them have had the same expe­ri­ences as me, thus ren­der­ing unable to help.

John is usu­ally the first per­son I’ll tell my prob­lems to because I’m most com­fort­able with him. I’ve known him for more than half my life, and he’s as fal­li­ble as me. I also have a lot more shit on him than he does on me (how do I keep John loyal…blackmail, hah). But gen­er­ally I don’t want to tell him about my prob­lems because he doesn’t think like me at all.

Pat is the per­son I’d most want to tell things to, sim­ply because he has too much good in his heart and knows me well enough that I couldn’t pos­si­bly say or do any­thing to make him angry. Yet he’s the last per­son I end up going to for help or advice, just because he’s so busy. Sometimes I’ll tell Aaron and Trolley, but I don’t linger on things too long for fear of bor­ing them.

I mean, what’s the point of telling some­one who doesn’t think the same way or hasn’t been in the same sit­u­a­tion? It’s not like they don’t care, they just actu­ally don’t under­stand, so what could they pos­si­bly do to help (aside from direct involve­ment if the option is there, but if the option is there it wouldn’t be a prob­lem). Sometimes, the most that a friend can do is lend an ear.

Sometimes it’s enough. Otherwise, there’s this.

My own, per­sonal group hug.

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July 20, 2004

One-Year Mark

I think I’m com­ing up to my one-year dry spell mark, but to be hon­est, I’m not sure. I used to tease Trolley about his dry spells, but now, well, yeah…heh.

I’m aim­ing for four. We were watch­ing a dat­ing show on the Life Network once, and they were try­ing to set up this guy who had a full out four-year dry spell. On his actual date, he couldn’t stop talk­ing about how his fam­ily had an inter­ven­tion con­cern­ing the amount of time he spent on the inter­net. He kept going on and on about how his par­ents wanted less than two hours a day but he was adamant on keep­ing at least four. My the­ory is that any­thing past three years does dam­age to the brain. I want to be able to doc­u­ment every dis­in­te­grat­ing part of my intel­lect Charlie Gordon style. I’m dying to find out if it’ll be a grad­ual process, or I’ll just sud­denly wake up one day with­out my sanity.

I got the idea from Dave, a guy on the floor in res in first year. He was in the reserves, so he always told us these crazy sto­ries about when he was serv­ing. One time he had to stay awake for three days, doing noth­ing but eat­ing and defending/digging a trench. After the 30th hour he started started hal­lu­ci­nat­ing. After that, Pita and I made a pact to pull a simul­ta­ne­ous three-nighter, just to see if we’d start to go insane, but I keeled over in my room at about the 23rd hour. I had never pulled an all-nighter before then.

This time though, I’ve had a bit of prac­tice. Not three years prac­tice, but prac­tice. I want to go for as long as pos­si­ble, sort of like server uptime.

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July 17, 2004

Soul Calibur 2

I was on gam­ing hia­tus for a few months (my longest yet), but now I’m back into the old swing of things with Soul Calibur 2. I didn’t play much of it before because I didn’t know any­one else who played it, but Aaron and Jessie have been addicted since the begin­ning of the month. Now I actu­ally feel like I can invest some time into train­ing a char­ac­ter and learn­ing their fight­ing dynam­ics. The game is so deep and involved that I can prac­tice for weeks and weeks and still be con­sid­ered a begin­ner. I mean, Virtual Fighter 4 had a pretty involved sys­tem, but SC2 extends past the “basic” guard>attack>throw>guard with added sidestep>vertical attack>horizontal attack>sidestep, and mid-guard>high/mid attack and low-guard>low/high attack, not to men­tion the options that open up with soul charg­ing and unblockables.

The prob­lem is that SC2 has so many cool char­ac­ters that I want to use. There’s some­thing about using a char­ac­ter that matches the per­son­al­ity. It’s like a pro­jec­tion of the self in a fan­tasy world. Whenever I do RPGs, I usu­ally cre­ate a char­ac­ter that’s like me (although with height mod­i­fier +6 when the option is there). That’s why I never use the “evil” char­ac­ters in fight­ing games.

I started SC2 with Kilik since he had the most rec­og­niz­able tra­di­tional Shaolin fight­ing style (my favourite), although Xianghua’s and Yunsung’s moves have fairly obvi­ous Chinese roots as well. Kilik ended up being too bor­ing for me (no per­son­al­ity, pre­dictable moves), so I switched to Yoshimitsu, cause he’s really cool and sneaky, but his moves ended up being too awk­ward. I real­ize that this is how Yoshimitsu is sup­posed to be played (with off-timing bal­ance), but the char­ac­ter didn’t click for me.

Right now I’m using Raphael, who hap­pens to be the most inter­est­ing char­ac­ter move-wise, but also the biggest pansy out of all of them. He can go in and out of stances eas­ily, with sev­eral attack­ing options in each stance, mak­ing him an offen­sive, but difficult-to-master, char­ac­ter. He has amaz­ingly vari­able com­bos, and in between hits, his foil guard-impacts, just like a fencer. He’s unlike any other char­ac­ter in the game, and I have to applaud Namco for com­ing up with the idea and mak­ing him so realistic.

My ner­dy­ness is com­ing back. The same ner­dy­ness that used to say, “Why make out with you when I could be play­ing a game?”.

On a side note, I’m also back into big break­fasts with bacon, sausages, and milk tea on the week­ends. My arter­ies hate them, but I for­give them and love them all the same.

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July 17, 2004

To Not Scratch

What is it about mos­quito bites that makes them so damn sat­is­fy­ing to scratch? It’s like a higher form of itch­ing, which turns into a higher form of scratch­ing. I’ve always had bad reac­tions to insect bites; when I was young, I had one that was almost the size of my head. It cov­ered up all of my kneecap and I decided to get med­ical help when I couldn’t walk with­out feel­ing like I had an extra 27 lay­ers of skin bunch­ing up on the joint. I know I shouldn’t touch them, and I’ve since gained the self-control, but some­thing just makes me want to jab my fin­gers in them and claw them until they bleed.

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July 15, 2004

Good Morning! How Much Does That Weigh?

The new me doesn’t please you, and the old me didn’t care.

Not every­one gets what they want.

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July 15, 2004

Heavy

I woke up this morn­ing, and the sun was hid­den behind the dis­mal morn­ing sky, like a post-apocalyptic calm in the atmos­phere. It all felt numb, and I put on a bit­ter­sweet mix, hop­ing to awaken my tor­pid senses. Every song hit me for a few bars, then faded into the background.

Heavy thoughts on a heavy morn­ing. Heavy music for heavy rain.

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