Poor Dolly is going to get declawed. I still hadn’t decided if I was going to do it, so it’s sort of a relief to know that it’s not an option anymore. I probably would have had to do it eventually, so it’s better now than later. I’ll miss the way she catches toys in the air with her claws, or the way she kneads when I pick her up. I won’t miss the scratches on my nose when she decides that it’s some form of prey. She also likes to jump as high as she can on the walls, and scrape all the way down with four feet. I think she releases her climbing frustrations that way, even though she never stays up. It makes a sound like nails on a chalkboard. Yeah. Won’t be missing that.

Left the party after an hour. Some fucking guy, as well as other stuff. Aaron, Karen, Drew and I all bailed at the same time.

It’s too bad, I was hoping to hang out with Christine more, or even talk to Sheri, Emily, Eric, or Katrina a bit. I was expecting to be home past two, but instead I was home before midnight.

I didn’t even bring any alcohol because I didn’t feel like drinking, but after five minutes I was stealing Aaron’s wine.

Hee hee.

I was glad to find out that Death Cab For Cutie isn’t a studio band, after watching their video for The New Year. They’re well timed, well rehearsed, and most importantly, the vocals were spot on. However, I was sorely disappointed to find out that Ben Gibbard’s voice and lyrics don’t match the way he presents himself. Why does this matter? I have no fucking clue. I guess I always pictured Ben as some skinny, young, emo god, so suddenly seeing him as an older man of modest looks was quite a surprise. He doesn’t even come close to matching the sex appeal of Tom Yorke, whom I imagined him to rival.

With change comes the need for control.

And with emotions running through me in an almost uncontainable, effusive manner, that need for control has never been more necessary.

Usually, this comes easily. It feels as if I’ve been training my whole life for such a thing, that I’ve spent most of my time working towards becoming a cerebral person. Except that in the past, it’s was to edulcorate the pain.

Now, it’s to control the happiness. The almost ineffable feeling of euphoria.

Sometimes, I can barely contain the surge of emotion, and I have to stop myself from acting out, to keep my mind in check. I refuse to be one who acts out of emotion. I refuse to be one who’s at the whim of whatever mood I’m in.

I will be stronger than that which has become so important to me. I will be in control of that which I’ve sought so long to have.

Because balance is more important than happiness.