Sometimes it feels as if I’ve changed in an infinite number of directions. Every change comes as a result of some unsatisfactory characteristic of my former self. The result, hopefully a series of what I consider improvements, becomes the opposite of traits I once possessed.

Confidence is an example. It’s only now, after more than eight years of conscious work, that I’ve gained some form of confidence, of self-respect. And I appreciate it now, not only in myself but in other people as well. It was my own diffidence that drove me to become an assertive person. This isn’t to say that it’s something I’ve stopped working on. I’m not quite satisfied yet, because I’m still learning to prevent overconfidence, but other than that I think I’ve come quite far.

The same goes for quite a few other things. Having no friends has made me a better one. Being alone has made me a patient lover. Being shy has made me more outgoing. Having gone through emotional ups and downs has made me more stable.

Being weak has made me stronger.

From one of my inside sources, I found out that the hiring freeze at the old government job might be on hiatus and they’re looking to fill some CS-2 positions. Aaron and I contacted our old employers to get together for some lunch tomorrow, and they ended up making reservations for 14 at the Mayflower. Aaron and I both know that this could be an important lunch, so we’ll be putting on the preppy clothes. We actually had to discuss what we’d be wearing, since we dress so similarly.

I sleep with two pillows. The bigger, fluffier one goes under my head, and the smaller, less fluffier one I hug. I’ve been sleeping with two pillows longer than I can remember, and it’s become difficult to fall asleep with just one, which makes crashing at friends places and hotels a bit of a hassle. Sometimes I sleep on my side with the smaller pillow on my back and pretend I’m sleeping next to someone.

I’m getting fuckin excited; John’s on a train headed over here and should be arriving in about an hour. I haven’t seen him since Christmas, and even then we didn’t actually have time to do anything except watch a movie. Before that…we came over for a weekend in July. I’m looking forward to five days of pure relaxation.

When the Nick’s away, the Jeff will dance to Billy Talent while he cooks breakfast.