December 30, 2004

A Few Memories Of Home, Part 2

Thumbnail: The alcohol wall
Thumbnail: Fall petals
Thumbnail: Dried flowers
Thumbnail: More dried flowers
Thumbnail: Koala bear statue
Thumbnail: Perfume collection
Thumbnail: Piano
Thumbnail: Teapot collection

The sec­ond set of my house pic­tures. I’d lived in that house for so long, I grew accus­tomed to it’s beauty. It’s only after liv­ing in stu­dent hous­ing, res­i­dence, town houses, that I under­stand how well off I had it at home. My favourite pic­ture is the one with the koala statue, which I bought while vaca­tion­ing in Sydney. The colours are just per­fect, and I like how the can­dle­sticks stretch out in sub­tle arches, as if they were bend­ing outwards.

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December 28, 2004

The Fault Of None

I real­ized that I never wrote about this, after re-reading the entry I wrote last Friday. In fact, I had been think­ing about this sub­ject for the past week, the past month, the past half year. Yet, I had never come to a con­clu­sion, had never been firm on how I felt, until con­sid­er­ing atten­dance at Aaron’s new years party (with a lit­tle hand from talk­ing Trolley through some stuff, along with com­ing to terms with my own issues).

My intol­er­ance has always been an issue in the past. An issue for improve­ment, that is, and I’ll be the first to admit it, albeit with a help­ful reminder from John. I’ve always known how intol­er­ant I am, although I never paid much atten­tion to the fact because I con­sciously never let it get as far as being unable to social­ize with peo­ple (never let it get in the way of every­day life, to the point of neu­ro­sis). There are some instances where I’ve actu­ally been proud of how intol­er­ant I am, because it makes me feel stronger, more respect­ful about the com­pany I actu­ally do choose to spend my time with. I want all my friends to know how much I gen­er­ally hate peo­ple, and that they’re AWESOME enough to meet even my high stan­dards. Hell, I even almost decided not to asso­ciate with John at one point, but real­ized that I was mak­ing a huge mis­take, clouded by my own prob­lems at the time.

I digress. I’ve become less afraid of my intol­er­ance. A long time ago I real­ized that other peo­ple have every right to be them­selves, and I’m prob­a­bly the last per­son that they should be chang­ing for. Hence the quest for my own self-improvement. However, I’ve only recently real­ized that I have just as much right to be me. That means every right to be intol­er­ant. As intol­er­ant as I want to fuck­ing be.

The issue can be exten­dend to rela­tion­ships in gen­eral, dat­ing or oth­er­wise. If two peo­ple can’t come to a rea­son­able agreeance on some­thing, then some­times all that can be done is rec­og­niz­ing it and accept­ing it. If these dif­fer­ences can’t be lived with, then the only thing left to do is part ways on ami­ca­ble terms. One per­son has just as much right to be them­selves as the other.

And if it just so hap­pens that I find myself in unpleas­ant com­pany, I’ll be the first to bow out. I’d rather spend qual­ity time with the peo­ple I like, than share them with peo­ple I don’t, and the last thing I want to do is force the peo­ple I care about to make a deci­sion between me and some­one else. So I make the deci­sion for myself. No one is at fault. Some peo­ple just don’t mix. As long as it never gets to the point of harm­ing the rela­tion­ships I want to have, there’s no prob­lem. If this means that I may occa­sion­ally have to be in the com­pany of peo­ple who make me uncom­fort­able, for impor­tant events or what­not, then so be it. My friends are worth the unpleas­ant­ness, and I know that they under­stand me enough to accept my intolerance.

The issue becomes a non-issue.

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December 28, 2004

Sleep-Ez

Another bus ride back to the apart­ment today. Hopefully it’ll be under five hours; the ride here was just over the six hour mark due to large scale, poor weather con­di­tions. I’m tempted to bring an extra strength Sleep-Ez to make the ride go by faster if there are any delays, but my expe­ri­ence with one ear­lier this way has swayed me against it. It was the first time in my life I took a sleep­ing pill, and I felt almost mechan­i­cally, med­i­c­i­nally drowsy. John called me in the mid­dle of sleep, and the only thing I remem­ber is tak­ing the call, and telling him that I had to hang up because I was too focused on stay­ing con­scious to lis­ten to any­thing. For some rea­son, I’ve always found it extremely easy to stay con­scious, but the Sleep-Ez is the first thing that has ever over­come this abil­ity. The only time in my life that I have ever passed out was dur­ing a week­end this sum­mer, due to the influ­ence of cer­tain ine­bri­ants. The Sleep-Ez would be twice as worse, and if any­thing were to hap­pen where I need to be awake while trav­el­ling, I wouldn’t be able to function.

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December 26, 2004

A Few Memories Of Home, Part 1

Thumbnail: Living room couch
Thumbnail: Home theatre couch
Thumbnail: Couch cushions
Thumbnail: Dining room candles
Thumbnail: Family room candles
Thumbnail: Flower pot
Thumbnail: Bathroom mirror
Thumbnail: Entrance tiles

I decided to make the best of my time while I’m home for the hol­i­days and bor­row my dad’s EOS Digital Rebel, just like last December when I was in Hong Kong. I swear, the urge to buy one of these is over­whelm­ing, and I was very seri­ously con­sid­er­ing it until I real­ized that I can make due with my S410 Elph until I have cash to drop on a nice SLR.

Almost every room at home has a dif­fer­ent mood and style, which is really what I tried to cap­ture in the pic­tures, whether it’s due to the wall colour (most promi­nent), the fur­ni­ture, or the light­ing. This is part one of two; I have another set of pic­tures that’s com­prised mainly of var­i­ous objects around the house, instead of gen­eral set­tings of this set.

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December 24, 2004

It Doesn’t Feel Like Christmas

This doesn’t feel like Christmas to me. I’m not sure why, but the fact that it’s so close to the 25th still hasn’t clicked in yet. Maybe it’s because I decided not to buy presents for any­one this year. Maybe it’s because this is my first year work­ing full-time and I’m used to hav­ing a longer run­ning break before the big two-five. Maybe it’s because I’ve been too busy to relax, run­ning around, mak­ing plans at the last sec­ond. This is usu­ally my favourite time of the year, but I haven’t had any time to enjoy it.

I had the hard­est time decid­ing on what to do for new years. At first, I was just going to spend it by myself at my apart­ment. I don’t really have a rea­son to cel­e­brate, and if I was, it would be with my five clos­est friends ONLY so that I wouldn’t have to deal with ANY moronic peo­ple. The only prob­lem is that three of them won’t even be in the city, and the other two are too social to be spend­ing it with me and my select com­pany. Perhaps one year, my friends will indulge me (after tir­ing of large par­ties) and we will have an inti­mate gath­er­ing. I think I’ll start plan­ning for next year before every­one moves off to start their careers and their families.

Aaron expressed his desire for my atten­dance at his new years cel­e­bra­tion and I even­tu­ally agreed. I was hes­i­tant at first, because, to be hon­est, I haven’t enjoyed the com­pany Aaron has had over for his din­ners lately. I’m one who’s always believed that it’s the com­pany that makes things enjoy­able, not the activ­i­ties. Stick me in a room with my friends and we can have fun doing any­thing. Stick me in a room with a sin­gle per­son I dis­like, and I’ll be mis­er­able no mat­ter what. The agi­tat­ing guests aren’t Aaron’s fault, of course, or the fault of the guests them­selves. I’m an intol­er­ant person.

And I’m work­ing on it.

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December 22, 2004

Stepping Through The Shadow, Part 1/2: The Journal Aspect

I’ve been wal­low­ing in my own chaotic
And inse­cure delusions.

I wanna feel the change con­sume me,
Feel the out­side turn­ing in.
I wanna feel the meta­mor­pho­sis and
Cleansing I’ve endured within
my shadow.

Change is com­ing.
Now is my time.

—Tool, Forty Six & 2

I’ll be hon­est; I don’t talk like this in real life.

I’m not smart like John, who can spo­rad­i­cally use words like “ema­ci­ated” is his con­ver­sa­tions. My entries need to be care­fully thought out, some­times tak­ing days to write. I don’t talk to peo­ple about my sex­ual expe­ri­ences, my per­sonal prob­lems, or any of the ran­dom shit that pops into my head because peo­ple don’t want to hear about any of that.

In fact, I’m very unlike this in real life.

I don’t talk about what I want with peo­ple, because I find that most don’t care. Most just wait for their turn to speak, and when they lis­ten, they don’t understand.

In every­day life, one has to be care­ful about what one says. Here, I express what I want because this is one of the few places that I don’t have to give a fuck what any­one else thinks. This is within rea­son, of course, because there are things which may involve other peo­ple that I have no right to talk about. Anything else is free game. I don’t care if some­one thinks I’m stu­pid, finds me offen­sive, or even thinks that I’m boring.

It feels good to know that I have a place where I can be myself, express what I want, when I want. It makes me stronger. It brings me com­fort. It actu­ally makes me more con­fi­dent about say­ing cer­tain things, and makes me unashamed of my emotions.

I’m not myself when I’m around most.

This is me.

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December 22, 2004

Josee

So, what I meant to say was that I got a hair­cut. Due to a series of bad expe­ri­ences, I gen­er­ally don’t trust women to cut my hair, but Josée is dif­fer­ent. She’s sar­cas­ti­cally funny, she’s cute (Trolley thinks her eyes stand out the most), and she does a great job with tex­ture. I also feel com­fort­able sit­ting in her chair, talk­ing or not, and don’t have to worry about her think­ing that I’m try­ing to get in her pants (a worry, due to yet another series of bad expe­ri­ences) because she’s not stu­pidly fuck­ing self-absorbed like so many other girls are.

What I really wanted to talk about, though, is the dis­count she told the recep­tion­ist to give me. The dis­count came in the form of stu­dent rates, although I’m not a stu­dent any­more, and she knows this because we dis­cussed it dur­ing the tex­tur­iz­ing process. I’m not sure if she did it know­ingly and I don’t like to take advan­tage of any­one, but I also don’t want to men­tion the fact that I don’t deserve the dis­count in case she did it on pur­pose. I thought about it for a few days, and even­tu­ally decided that she most likely acted out of gen­eros­ity, and the next time it hap­pens, I would leave her an extra tip so she could share in that generosity.

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December 20, 2004

Trailer Park Awesome

I was plan­ning on writ­ing some­thing else, but had the sug­gen urge to con­fess that I was watch­ing Trailer Park Boys with four other guys yes­ter­day and it was the Christmas spe­cial where Jono is all preppy and Randy is giv­ing hand­jobs for cheese­burg­ers before he becomes assis­tant super­in­ten­dent, when Bubbles is sit­ting with his present in his lap given to him by his par­ents before they left him when he was young, and Ricky tells him to open it because they’re his fam­ily, so I started to cry but no one noticed, and I can’t stop think­ing about how fuck­ing stu­pid it is, and I won­der if any­one ever believes me or thinks I’m doing it for atten­tion or what­ever because it makes no fuck­ing sense to me.

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December 18, 2004

Snowflake

I have this the­ory that there’s no myth to the female orgasm. There are some who can have one and some who can’t. Most of the girls I’ve dated have been able to achieve cli­max (or have led me to believe so), but there was one who never did and never seemed to care. There is no set attribute for all women.

This may be sup­ported by the fact that it’s the same with the types of orgasms, which vary not only from woman to woman, but from each occur­ring time as well. Some are implo­sive, some are explo­sive. Some are cen­tered in a region, some affect the entire body. Some cause lethargy, some cause energy.

I think the abil­ity to have an orgasm is mostly men­tal. The girl­friend who never had one was a stone in bed, and I later real­ized that she had the men­tal capac­ity to match.

Another girl­friend was of a sim­i­lar demeanour, but I could tell that she had the abil­ity to be taught at the right time, and the right per­son would have the patience to teach her the right things. I find that men­tally strong girls are the ones who have the best orgasms. They’re also the most fun, because they know what they like and they aren’t afraid to ask for it, allow­ing for a lot of explo­ration. It was only when I met a strong girl that I was com­fort­able push­ing her body, com­fort­able fig­ur­ing out what she liked. She had the best orgasms, and she’s the only one I know who’s been able to have two very dif­fer­ent, very dis­tinct orgasms in a row, or orgasms that would last longer than a minute.

Even the expres­sions after­wards are unique, whether it’s a joc­u­lar look of “Don’t touch me, I’m over­stim­u­lated” or bewil­dered “What the FUCK did you just do?” or “Give me a minute, I can’t feel my brain”. Guys are totally dif­fer­ent. Their expres­sions are linked to their orgasms, and they only have two: the angry face (aggres­sive, dom­i­nant, empow­er­ing), and the con­fused face (soft, whim­per­ing, almost sorry, à la Ben Stiller in There’s Something About Mary).

But that’s just my theory.

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December 17, 2004

A New Breed Of Comment Spam

I’ve been bom­barded (about 50 a day) by a new kind of spam com­ment lately. It’s been slip­ping through my MT-Blacklist fil­ters, because it cre­ates intel­li­gi­ble sen­tences by vary­ing verbs (like “check” and “visit”) and nouns (like “site” and “pages”). Sometimes, when I’m brows­ing through other sites I see the same spam com­ments, so I fig­ured I would post the reg­u­lar expres­sion I wrote to block it in case any­one hap­pens to be search­ing for one, like the one I wrote a few months ago.

(check|visit)[\w\-_.]*(pages|sites|information|info)[\w\-_. ]*

This has been the most dif­fi­cult spam vari­a­tion I’ve had to deal with. The one weak­ness of most com­ment spam is that it’s bound to a sta­tic web­site address. Since spam is usu­ally gen­er­ated through robots, there are pat­terns that can be matched in order to block it. The key is fig­ur­ing out what the pat­tern is, whether it may be a reoc­cur­ring IP address (very unlikely and unre­li­able), or a reoc­cur­ring web­site address (most likely). This one is dif­fer­ent though, because the adver­tised web­sites keep chang­ing. Not only that, but the sen­tences used to present the site are also incon­sis­tent. The pat­tern, as a result, is more complex.

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December 16, 2004

Feeling Lost, New Camcorder, Wide-Angle, Etc.

I’m break­ing my writ­ing cycle today because I feel like writ­ing. Well, no, I don’t feel like writ­ing, I feel like express­ing, venting.

For some rea­son, I felt lost all day. At one point it made me nau­seous, and I started to break into sweats and get flushed in the face. I thought I could make it an entire week with­out one off day, until this day hap­pened. There was a very gen­eral feel­ing of uneasi­ness, but that may be a con­tin­u­a­tion of yes­ter­day. I was really ner­vous before Doug’s birth­day gath­er­ing; I didn’t know who was going and that made me really ner­vous. I still don’t know why.

So I admit, I dropped an exces­sive amount of money on a Hitachi DZMV550A Digital DVD-RAM cam­corder. My only excuse is that I had been plan­ning on pur­chas­ing a cam­corder since the sum­mer, and vowed to do so as soon as I could afford it. This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing, it was a care­fully incu­bated desire which kept grow­ing into the per­fectly guilt-free shop­ping expe­ri­ence I had. Besides, Aaron talked the man down $110, but I saved $210 in total from addi­tional sales.

I had been look­ing around for a wide-angle lens all day, but none of the four major(ly acces­si­ble) photo stores had them in stock. I’m a lit­tle dis­ap­pointed in the stock range of the wide-angle, and have been find­ing it dif­fi­cult to capture…basically more than one per­son. In any case, I’ll prob­a­bly have to order it online, and hope­fully it’ll come in before I see John in the new year, which is why I bought the camcorder.

I also admit that I had absolutely noth­ing planned for today, aside from pick­ing up my duvet from the dry-cleaners because Dolly had an acci­dent last week. Normally, I have the next night planned the day before, usu­ally either writing/hanging out with Trolley or gaming/hanging out with Trolley, so an unplanned evening is gen­er­ally a good thing. Today, I only real­ized that I had noth­ing planned when I got home, and it just made me feel uneasy.

And I also have to admit that I lis­tened to the audi­ologs of a “goth” I found online, for part of the day. It was strangely com­fort­ing, because of how humourous his mono­logue is, in a very deathly seri­ous, non-jocular way. He laughs to him­self a lot, and talks about his (hor­ren­dous) site updates, his smok­ing, his drugs, his self-proclaimed “flat­ter­ing” copy­cat from vampirefreaks.com. Just know­ing that I’m not as com­mis­er­able as this guy makes me feel bet­ter. I sub­mit­ted it as an awful link of the day on Something Awful, and I’m almost cer­tain it’ll make it. Funny note, Jackie used to date the guy who runs that site.

I really, really don’t know what this mood is now. It’s not mali­cious. It’s a lit­tle stoic, and almost con­fi­dent as a result of that. I’m also a lit­tle scared.

Of what, I don’t know.

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December 15, 2004

The Shirt Tucking-In

I’ve started tuck­ing in my shirt. The only two times that I remem­ber tuck­ing were both at wed­dings; Dr. Lea’s and Jono’s. I didn’t even tuck for my cousin’s wed­ding, even after (or should I say, espe­cially after) a chid­ing from Priscilla’s unpleas­ant boyfriend. Admittedly, I have a very thin waist, and tuck­ing always makes me look extremely skinny. I don’t always tuck now, just when I’m wear­ing a dress shirt with cer­tain new v-neck sweaters. If I don’t tuck, the sweaters end up bunch­ing up oddly around my mid-section and make me look even skinnier.

I don’t mind it so far, although it feels a lit­tle odd to have so much mate­r­ial stuffed into my pants, like I have a skirt on under­neath (not that I have ANY idea what that feels like, or ever pre­tended I was Candice Bergen from Attenborough’s Gandhi after find­ing a cache of my moth­ers old clothes as a con­fused ado­les­cent). I’ve always been most com­fort­able with the casual untucked-shirt with tie or blazer style. I’ve been against tuck­ing for so long that it feels like I’ve sold out, started lay­ing down to the prover­bial “man”, but really, I’ve only started to tuck my shirt in on occasion.

I’ve also started try­ing to sit up straight. I think that pos­ture is an impor­tant part of self-image, and real­ized that I’m con­fi­dent enough now to project it. My par­ents would always tell me to keep my shoul­ders back, because they’re gen­er­ally for­ward in a sleazy slouch. I’ve been try­ing to go cold turkey and not slouch at all, instead of only sit­ting straight when I feel rested. The great­est chal­lenge is sit­ting up straight while eat­ing soup. The extra dis­tance the spoon has to travel to the mouth is scary, and after a while, I end up slouch­ing again to pre­vent stray drip­pings from mak­ing large splashes.

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December 13, 2004

Moleskine

I wrote this on the bus this morning:

I wrote this on the bus this morn­ing. I gen­er­ally hate writ­ing on the bus because it always seems so pompous. I don’t like to come off as some­one who thinks he’s an impor­tant writer, or as some­one who’s look­ing for atten­tion. Then I try to tell myself not to care what other peo­ple think, because the fact is that all I’m doing is writ­ing in a note­book. And then I pull out my notebook.

The note­book itself, how­ever, may be the impor­tant detail. I bought a new ruled, pocket Moleskine to keep track of my ideas. It cost me a pretty penny, but I’m hop­ing it’ll last me a while. What I used to do was use a text file saved on my desk­top when at my com­puter, or my Dominion Blueline A9 (com­ing in at a hefty 9 1/4″ x 7 1/4″) when trav­el­ling. The Moleskine is per­fect because it’s small enough to carry on the bus, and too small (a pocket-filling 3.5 x 5.5 inches) for other peo­ple to read over my shoul­der. I can’t stand it when other pas­sen­gers nosily glance at my words.

It has a rib­bon to keep track of the cur­rent page, a small pocket in the back to keep loose items, an elas­tic to keep the pages together and pre­vent dam­age, and some of the smoothest uncoated paper I’ve ever used. Perfectly, all of the things I look for in a note­book. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to leave my A9 in desue­tude; I’ve rel­e­gated it to keep­ing track of mis­cel­la­neous notes, lists, songs, etc., recently the only task I have been using it for. The Moleskines also come with a lit­tle card in the back explain­ing an inter­est­ing history:

It is two cen­turies now that Moleskine has been the leg­endary note­book of European artists and intel­lec­tu­als, from Van Gogh to Henri Matisse, from the expo­nents of the his­tor­i­cal avant-garde move­ments to Ernest Hemingway. Many are the sketches and notes, ideas and emo­tions that have been jot­ted down and har­boured in this trust­wor­thy pocket-size travel com­pan­ion before being turned into famous pic­tures or the pages of beloved books.

This long-standing tra­di­tion was con­tin­ued by writer-traveller Bruce Chatwin who used to buy his Moleskines at a Paris sta­tionery shop in Rue de l’Ancienne Comedie where he would always stock up before embark­ing on one of his jour­neys. Over the years he had devel­oped a ver­i­ta­ble rit­ual. Before using them he would in fact num­ber the pages, writ­ing on the inside his name and at least two addresses across the world, and a mes­sage promis­ing a reward for any­one find­ing and return­ing the note­book in case of it being lost.

He even sug­gested this method to his friend Luis Sepulveda, when he gave him a pre­cious Moleskine as a present for a jour­ney they were plan­ning to under­take together in Patagonia. And there was no doubt as to how pre­cious it was, given that at the time even the last Moleskine man­u­fac­turer, a small family-run firm of Tours, had dis­con­tin­ued pro­duc­tion in 1986. “Le vrai mole­sk­ine n’est plus” was the short and curt state­ment of the owner of the sta­tionery shop where Chatwin had ordered one hun­dred before leav­ing for Australia. Despite hav­ing lit­er­ally swept up all the mole­sk­ines he could find, they were not enough.

Now, the Moleskine is back again. This silent and dis­creet keeper of an extra­or­di­nary tra­di­tion which has been miss­ing for years has set out again on its jour­ney. A wit­ness to con­tem­po­rary nomadism, it can once again pass from one pocket to another to con­tinue the adventure.

The sequel still waits to be writ­ten and its blank pages are ready to tell the story.

Now I feel free to do this. Write what I want, when I want, where I want. I love writ­ing in this thing.

I’m back.

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December 11, 2004

This Is Why You’re Not Allowed (Save It)

This is the ritual.

We meet. Usually by Greyhound.

We get stoned. In the car, in the park, or in the apartment.

This is what we’ve been sav­ing for. What we’ve cho­sen to deny our­selves of, until the present com­pany, so that the expe­ri­ence is more intense. The rea­son why we’ve with­held for so long.

We intro­duce to each other what we’ve dis­cov­ered on our own. Songs. Videos. Experiences.

There is no pride. No bias. No judgment.

We cher­ish these times. These week­ends. These memories.

When we can grow from one another.

Because we’ve grown from ourselves.

December 10, 2004

Still And Unforgiving

Winter sidewalk

It feels bar­ren today. It’s cold out­side, but there’s no wind and the air is still. Everything is so unfor­giv­ing and largo e pianis­simo sem­pre.

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