When I went home for Christmas three years ago, I was a very con­fused per­son. I had no idea what I was look­ing for, what I was doing. When I came back, I felt as if I had gone through some sort of mid-life cri­sis. I still didn’t know what I wanted, but for some rea­son I wasn’t con­fused any­more. Did I end up resolv­ing any­thing? To this day I don’t know.

What I do know, how­ever, is that I haven’t stopped chang­ing. Even if I did come to some con­clu­sion back then, it would have no rel­e­vance today. So many things are chang­ing, not the world around me, but me myself.

I see this as a good thing. It lets me know that I’m still learn­ing, that I’m still liv­ing to the high­est degree. I have dif­fi­culty “defin­ing” myself, dif­fi­culty under­stand­ing my own (long term) actions some­times. As I’ve known since high school, it usu­ally takes me at least half a year to under­stand the choices I make.

Sometimes it feels like a con­stant mid-life cri­sis when I keep ques­tion­ing the deci­sions I make and the rela­tion­ships I have with oth­ers. I ques­tion things not with doubt, but with curiosity.

And this has filled my life with uncertainty.