I took a bus ride today, not knowing where it went or how it got there. For the first two hours I felt lost, not understanding any of what I was thinking or feeling. In the last hour I almost broke down, a little clearer in my head but not much. All I found out is that I hurt, that I don’t want to get out of bed, that I don’t want to talk to people, that I need help.

There’s about two months through the entire year when stepping outside makes me feel as if I’m only beginning my life, when I forget everything and lose myself to the blanketing sun, the brisk breeze, the freshness of the air. Ever since I was young I’ve had a picture in my mind of walking down a city street on a new morning, emerald lawns swaying in the shade, almost indescribably perfect. I’m determined to find this place one day and share it with someone.

I just spent three hours writing an entry that got me nowhere. All I found out is that sometimes life seems harder than it should be.

I feel worthless.

She hugged him tight round the neck, her arms trembling, as though she was trying to pass her soul to him with that kiss. No, it was right and proper she should die!

I find that I’m beginning to compare myself with others, in order that I feel better about myself. I keep telling myself that I have no debt, no ailments, and barely any responsibilities. I’m a university graduate, I live in a great city in a comfortable apartment, I’ve finally fallen into a great bunch of stand-up friends. Why does it feel as though I have nothing, that I’ve accomplished nothing, that my life is nothing? That in my nearly 23 years of life, I have nothing to show for it but a few frissons and a life or two affected.

If only I was being too hard on myself.

The party at Sheri’s, Christine’s, and Emily’s was good, even though John and I stayed for only about two hours. I brought a bottle of wine, a 2001 Earnest and Julio Gallo, for consumption and I was floating before I knew what hit me.