I feel burned out.

A shower makes everything go away. I forget everything I’ve learned and gather my thoughts.

It’s rare that I live my life without form or structure, but the current week has been just that. Sleeping, eating, and sleeping some more whenever I feel like it has made the days jumbled and indistinguishable. I don’t think I could live like this for long; I’ve always needed some sort of structure in my life. I need to know what time my dinner is at. I need to know when to wake up. I guess I’ve become a creature of habit, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing yet.

Access to my control panel, my database, and my scripts has been temporarily disabled. Apparently, a representative of a musical group has contacted my host in regards to an mp3 I have stored. Instead of contacting me first, the representative decided to bring the issue up with my host. I would have been fine with removing the mp3 from my site if I was simply asked. I realized that it was a violation of my terms of service, but I didn’t think that anyone ever visited this site, so I had the song for archival purposes. Now, I have no way of updating my content, in what has become my main healing medium. I cannot be slowed by this, and even though it feels as though I have no means of expression or communication, I still feel the need to write.

What is it about crying that makes one so tired? Is there a chemical release which leaves one feeling weary in an attempt to quickly recover from the shaking and the spasms? Why do ones eyes become as heavy as lead in the fight against unconsciousness?

I have a fly vacuum named Dolores.

For some reason, flies have been coming into the apartment through some magical plecopteran gateway, the location of which I haven’t been able to determine yet. Since Dolly is an indoor cat, the flies have been the only live thing that she’s even pounced on, aside from my toes under the covers.

She’s quite an efficient fly hunter, able to swat one without much trouble, although she consistently lets them get away when she takes an inspection under her paw by lifting it up. Once she actually catches one and is able to get her tongue on it, she’ll gobble it happily, and then look as if she hadn’t eaten her playmate. Sometimes the fly will soar to my ceiling, and she’ll meow at me with frustration, never looking away from the buzzing black dot.

I’ve decided to take a break from The Frozen Throne because the game has become no fun for me. The only thing that I could really sit down and play for hours without sleep or rest was TFC for Half-Life. I woke up restless sometime this morning and decided to give TFC another shot, from a two year hiatus. After joining a random 2Fort server, I sniped for about an hour, and everything felt so comfortable. Sniping was the only thing from any game that I was ever actually good at, and although I was pretty rusty, I still managed a decent kill/death ratio. All the theory behind good sniping has become second nature to me, but my untrained hand-eye co-ordination limited my skills considerably. Someone did accuse me of cheating though, so my experience hasn’t completely left me.

I might consider setting up a dedicated server running 24/7, so that I can join something quickly with a low ping, although such a thing would be a violation of the contract of my ISP. Running a server would allow me to control exactly what maps I want to play and who I can kick or ban. I also wouldn’t be scared of being kicked myself by people who think I’m cheating.