It’s 2:33 in the morning and the streets here are empty. The lamps illuminate darkened stores with a lonely glow. The buses are sparse and the occupants sparser.

Mood? Not quite sombre, but serious nonetheless.

I’ve been back for two days, and I’m still busy. I haven’t played a game of WC3 in over a week and a half. I think people would generally be worried about me if I told them this without letting them know that I didn’t have access to a decent computer. I can honestly say that the last two weeks have been the best trip home I’ve ever had.

I’ll never forget driving to the park to blaze with Darren and Chris or Jeff or Jerry. The park was always abandoned at that time of night, surrounded by a field on one side, and a row of middle-class houses on the other. I always suspected that the people eating dinner with their blinds open knew that we were doing something illicit when sparks would light up our faces in the blackness of the field. Standing in the middle of the playground, with its sand-covered tables or dual-sided slide contraptions, made me feel comfortably at peace. The area was devoid of traffic (and hence noise) and there was no light pollution to dilute the glamour of the glittering sky.

Afterwards, getting hungry, we would drive to the McDonalds drive-through (since the regular joint was closed at that time of night), and order an inordinate amount of food. Eating would always consist of parking in a nearby lot, lit from long lamps that seemed to want to touch the sky, and rolling down the Civic’s windows. The wide, open space of the parking lot would rarely see anyone drive through, and we were left eating comfortably in silence (albeit with the hum of the A/C in the background), when food never tasted so good.

We would hit the closest Timmies afterwards, needing coffee and somehow more food. The place was always empty, and from two to four in the morning we were the only customers, getting two large teas and two cheese strudels please. I wondered how much money could have been made by staying open 24 hours a day, paying the two employees working the night shift while seeing us as the only customers, purchasing food but staying well over the courtesy limit. I’ll never forget how brightly lit the place was, with it’s lugubrious employee seemingly mopping the floor for an eternity while Chris and Darren chatted endlessly about the more humourous aspects of their friends facial features. I would look out the window and see cars pass by on the main road every so often, wondering how I’ve missed such a good time my whole life.

Time spent with John was just as good. We watched Elizabeth (Geoffrey Rush and Fanny Ardent had the best parts), The Transporter (terrible), The Good Thief (very good), Jackass Movie (just as good the second time), and Better Luck Tomorrow (very enjoyable). We bought Timesplitters 2 for his PS2 and played quite a bit of co-operative campaign and switched to deathmatch when we felt the need to match testosterone.

He would give me a ride home every night which ended up taking about an hour due to the DVP being closed for construction. We rode along the dark city streets, listening to Air Supply and talked about anything from implanted human desires to how fucked up our relationships have been to our future plans.

I realized that, as good a time as I was having at home, I still wouldn’t move back there. I’m comfortable here, and I’m able to much better appreciate the time I spend with my friends or family if it’s not too often. I have something to look forward to.

Something that is rare.

I am usually not one who professes to know a lot. I’m often fairly humbled in front of many others who possess a greater intelligence than me (although I know my fair share of stupid people). I think that intelligence is something about myself that I’ll never be satisfied with. There are too many things to know and learn and improve upon, and the pursuit of such would take longer than an eternity.

Reading back on some of my entries, something which has been hard to do lately, I feel like a child again. My entries seem to be filled with such uncerebral emotion sometimes. It’s as if I can be greatly bothered by things that I should be able to overcome. Of course, it’s writing here which helps me out when I need it, when it feels like no one can understand or relate. It all just fills this written history with bias. Nothing can change the fact that I am still a human person who has emotions, although my life experiences have dampened them considerably.

I feel young when I realize how much these emotions can sometimes affect me.

I’m still unsure whether it would be better or worse to feel more. On the one hand, I can keep myself in check and keep my actions consistent if something happens which might upset me. On the other hand, I feel numb, as if things which should bring me pleasure end up being nothing in particular.

Balance needed in yet something else.

My days here have been busy. I’m usually doing something from one moment to the next. I now understand a way of spending one’s time differently from one I’ve ever experienced. I find that I’m generally a person who’s cosmopolitan enough to be able to pass time enjoyably with most people. However, most of my friends seem to be doers, always needing something to do lest an awkward silence set in. These last five days have been filled with comfortable silences though, just from meeting and hanging out with people who are comfortable enough with each other to simply let conversation flow at its own pace. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to look at hanging out with my friends in the same way again.

I watched In The Bedroom with Darren yesterday. Although I thought it was a very well made film, with usually moving (though drawn out) storytelling, I didn’t enjoy it very much. There didn’t seem to be much of a message at the end, which leaves the entertainment of the film up to the the story, characters, and plot, all which I felt to be very shallow. The film is supposed to be about “the bonds of marriage and the limits of forgiveness [being] put to the test”, but there was only one major conflict and only a few shallow attempts at developing characters and motives. It just didn’t seem to go anywhere, and without interesting (to me, at least) events taking place, I felt as if my time would have been better spent elsewhere.

Speaking of films, I’ve been able to catch a few trailers which have piqued my curiosity. The Good Thief with Nick Nolte seems like an amazingly stylized movie (directed by Neil Jordan) about a retired art crook doing one last heist. It appeals to me because of the way Nolte seems to bring a presence of conflicting humanity with his slurred speech and rugged looks. I also find the slow, patient tune at the end of the trailer to fit perfectly with the cinematography, the way Nolte looks at his lighter before closing it on a brightly grey day with the movement of a city in the background. All of this from a trailer, and I’m already hooked. Kill Bill also looks amazing, in a cheesy, Tarantino sort of way.

I have found a floss which makes flossing enjoyable.