People who know me know that I generally tend not to get my hopes up. I never see the point. If I get my hopes up and things work out in my favour, then I would have expected such an outcome, and I become unappreciative. If things don’t work out, then I feel even worse than had nothing happened. On the other hand, if I don’t get my hopes up, I’ll feel great when I get my way, or I’ll feel fine when nothing works out.

Yet I can’t help but get my hopes up for what the future may hold. Lately, things have been going well in such a way that I feel comforted. Jonathan has made a great attempt at trying to get me a computer related job with a decent salary. I applied to a beautiful apartment with Nick which, I was told, I should have no trouble obtaining occupancy. I will be graduating soon, and free to live my life with a freedom only matched from the summer days of my childhood.

But most bright to me seems to be the future with my friends. I’ve met a great bunch of people, of which I immensely enjoy hanging out with. They have offered to help me move. They enjoy the same things I do. They are people I can confide in. They have gotten excited about my tenancy with Nick. Who else do I know is interested in my happiness? What other friends that I’ve had are so keen in spending time with me?

My friends make the future seem warm and bearable. Even when I admit to myself the way the future may work out, the fact that I may not get this job and industry connection, the fact that my rental application may be denied, I can’t imagine anything going wrong with these wonderful people. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t feel this way, that I could keep my mind in check. But I can’t.

And I don’t care.

I wasn’t going to write today, but the gentle light from the setting sun, along with the mild, windless chill, has affected me in such a manner that I wish only to speak of the boundless beauty that the weather can provide. I’m reminded of the spring walks home from Ashley’s house, feeling the cool air through my hair with the pale orange sky above my head. Pure contentment.

Progress on my essays has not been going well. I have spent the last half week on geology, and still have less than two pages done. I wish the terminology wasn’t so market based. Fuck.

I was able to go rock climbing for a second time with Trolley, Cristina, Aaron, Wheaties, Nick, Greg, Amanda, and Simon. It was great to have so many people go at once, so that we could just wonder around and see how other people were doing. I was able to scale three more walls that I wasn’t able to last time, which were all 5.6’s. The tips of my fingers were raw at the end from belaying so much. My forearm strength is currently the first thing to give, so I wasn’t very sore the next day. We headed out to Perkins after and pigged out on good food. What a great fucking time.

I was able to ask Simon about his tongue stud, and he told me that out of all the piercings he’s had (ears and eyebrow), the tongue was the least painful by far, due to the fact that the nerve endings are all on the surface of the tongue. Once the spike goes through the tongue, nothing is felt afterwards. New information that I’ll have to consider.

Tuesday. Brideshead Revisited. Jeremy Irons is one sexy, sexy man.

Dolores has been extra cuddly these last few days, and I’ve been woken up by her turning a few times, before nestling on my legs or stomach. I feel bad that I feel so constricted every time she settles down, causing me to toss and turn. It’s as if itches only come once a cat has found a pillow in your lap.

So…

I just finished my graphics presentation. I presented to a group of nosy people in the class, instead of only my prof and TA’s. The people who watched were quite amazed, it seemed, at what I was able to accomplish on my own. It made my proud that I was able to write the code from scratch in two days. I admit that I had one of the more interesting ideas out of the class, being dynamic as well as mathematically stimulating, as opposed to some of the static animations or cheap games that other projects consisted of. I think I had one of the lesser ambitious ideas though, since making a game look nice would be much harder than a simple simulation such as the game of life. The TA’s congratulated me afterwards, and the prof, who’s infamous for being so soft-spoken that people mistake him as coming out of a funeral, actually clapped at the end. It made me fairly proud of my presentation, although the praise of Charity, the resident CS eye candy in a faculty of the aesthetically challenged, made me even more content. It’s as if physical attractiveness gives someones opinion even more weight. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a pretty face.

A Griffin Powermate is glowing seductively next to my keyboard, a purchase I made over the weekend. I’m currently using it as a volume knob, and I have yet to set it as a zoom function for Photoshop, Acrobat, Word, or Ghostscript viewer. It’s so sexy that I almost put it down my pants.

After having one of the best brands of Hong Kong milk tea for a few months, I’ve switched back to the leaves provided to me by the medicine shop in Chinatown. I can taste a very distinct difference now; the latter seems to have a more fruity, earthy taste to it, and a weaker body.

I believe that I have a place for the next year. Nick and I went to look at the apartment complex across from mine, and we were extremely impressed. It’s 200 square feet bigger than the one I’m currently in, yet $50 cheaper. I will even have my own bathroom. It lacks a balcony, but a balcony is something I’m willing to sacrifice for a larger living room. We have the arrangements made, and we will try to sign something on Wednesday, to reserve an apartment on the penthouse for July. I’m a little worried that there may be some problems that only pop up after inhabiting the same living space, but I’m sure that it will be nothing I can’t deal with. I can’t even imagine leaving this city now, because of all the great friends I have here.

I should be receiving a $1500 tax return with the next two weeks. No plans have been made yet.

I wonder if I come off as a person with emotional baggage. One of the (very few) things that I pride myself in is my “self-awareness”, the ability to see myself objectively, but this is a characteristic that I am unable to determine within myself. Has my past made me a person of frightening, unpersonable disposition? Do people think of me as someone with deep rooted emotional issues?

I wonder if my history even matters to others. I realize that it’s when I let my history interfere with or affect my relationships that it becomes a problem. I’m afraid, however, that I let things become affected more than I’d like, more than I understand.

The past is something that I recognize as being significant, and I try to keep it only as that. It is something that I learn from, something which can affect me and my decisions today, but not something that I should presently be dealing with.

So, is it?

Well, I’m not completely sure. On a night like tonight, when the midnight sky burns bright enough to illuminate my room, I can’t help but feel unheard, unheard in something I wish to express. What becomes this need to be understood?

It’s a voice I wish to have, to bring me closure, to let me be free.

It has taken me three hours to write this final thought, along with the resurfacing of many distracting memories. Things still feel unresolved, of course, but I have sufficiently quelled my mood until there is a more appropriate time to express myself.

When I see you again, you will understand what I’ve become, and what you’ve done to make me this way.

I feel like talking, but I doubt anyone would understand. Sometimes, I feel like speaking to someone, and having them listen. Other times, I would rather have them strengthen my convictions, to tell me what I need to hear back. Tonight, I need someone who understands, who can make sense of what I’m feeling, who can provide not only support, but guidance as well.

Scary Movie Night 3 went well yesterday. It ended up that Aaron, Cristina, Nick, Jacques, Ngan, Trolley, and Wheaties came over to watch Signs, which I thought was only moderately scary, and had an inspiring, but rather cheap ending. The former three people stayed over to hang out, and I think I scared them off with some overtly disgusting Southpark episodes. Everyone was wasted by the end of the night, so talking seemed to take a secondary role.

I had a good phone call with John the other day.

There hasn’t been much progress on my geology essay. It seems like there’s a great lack of material on the internet about gold value fluctuations, from a geological perspective; everything is from a financial view. I’m a little worried that I’ll have half the length I’m supposed to. It’s due at the end of the month, so I’ll still have time. The only problem is that time will most likely not help any.