I was talking to Eugene, or Yoog as I used to call him, the other day after having no contact with him for over a decade. It was good to reminisce about the good times we had so long ago, me going to Australia for the first time to meet a friend of my mothers’, and him coming to visit from Australia, to stay with me.

It was odd to hear that I affected his decision to shift the focus of his card collection to baseball, as odd as it was to find out that one of my ex’s would scream my name in her mind while masturbating.

I’m surprised, astonished, at how much influence I could ever have on anyone. I still can’t believe it, since a card collection can be such a significant part of a young boys life, and unattractive Chinese guys aren’t generally the object of anyones’ fantasy.

The more I think about it though, the more I realize all the little things that I’ve done to affect people, whether it’s someone’s choice of university (which, I feel, is no small decision), or how I could ever bring someone to tears.

I’ve felt like my life has been so worthless for so long that I’ve been blinded to the part I’ve played in the life of others. It’s only with this new information, this catalyst, that I’m able to begin to realize that I’m not so worthless after all.

There have always been people whom I admire and respect. It’s only these people who really have an affect on me. After all, hearing hurtful words from a person you look up to is much worse than from someone you don’t have any respect for. I’ll always wonder if it’s respect which allowed me to have influence on others, or whether there was some other reason, such as love or friendship.

And perhaps, with time, there will be more.