The trip home was alright, watching Men In Black 2 (not a very good movie at all) and taking under five and a half hours. I like the fact that I can purchase a bus ticket at any time, and not have to worry about booking and reservations. I’ve always liked the idea that I have the freedom to pick up and go whenever I please. Of course, this only works when I have a guaranteed place to stay at the destination.

My Candela’s came in last week. They are quite nice, although they look rather cheap during the daytime when they’re off. They give off a decent ambient light when other (more primary) lights are on, but are good at setting a mood when they’re the only things illuminating a room. It’s a hassle to always let them burn out to prolong battery life, since that means that I’m usually going to bed with them on, and for someone who wakes up from the first slit of sunlight piercing the room, it can be an annoying thing.

I found a great astronomy book for Darren, covering everything from the smallest detail in purchasing a telescope, to the patterns the planets make in their orbits. Astronomy is something that I’ve always found to be mysteriously interesting, a seductive past-time I’d be afraid to be consumed by. A few people I’ve talked to have felt the same way, although some with an even more severe emotion. I would have taken up such a hobby as soon as I had the means to, if the area I live in wasn’t so unbelievably light polluted. It’s as if the mayor wants to keep the lights in the city bright enough to have a constant daytime. I’m fairly sure that I’ll buy a decent telescope eventually, once I’ve settled down in a condo and have a career.

I can’t wait to get back to my pleasure box and begin fooling around with Movable Type. I just hope that my host can provide enough flexibility for it to work.

When I got home, a stack of red envelopes and wrapped boxes were waiting for me. My premature exit at Christmas left gifts unopened and money unclaimed, quite a welcome surprise. I got another $50 gift certificate for Futureshop, which will most likely be going towards Vice City as soon as it comes out. I haven’t played a very absorbing game in a while, the last ones being GTA3 or Neverwinter Nights, but my favourite is still probably Half-Life. And with Half-Life 2 slated for a fall release, well, I find myself becoming unhealthily excited.

I’ll be splitting a box of Onslaught with Darren today.

The skies here have been dull and whitewashed.

It’s difficult for me to imagine being done school, that I can start living as a free person. I’ve been in school for so long that I begin to expect another term in the near future. Yet I’m done (as long as I didn’t fail anything) and I have a great deal of options. But what would I really want to do with my life? A university diploma will only help me get a tiny part of what I want to achieve.

Odd that I live so day-to-day, yet have a few goals planned for decades in advance. Even if I haven’t achieved a single goal by the time I die, I’ll feel decently satisfied. I enjoy being able to appreciate everything I do each day. A great deal of thinking needs to be done before I keep going. And while the future seems uncertain, while the world seems to be turned upside down, I feel comforted.

It’s understanding and realization that bind my world together, that bring meaning to anything I do.

I wonder if anyone else enjoys making love when they’re sad.

I was walking through the mall today, when I saw someone who seemed to be alone. His face was ripe with Down Syndrome, and he moved with a air of emotional detachment, as if he had easily accepted the cards he’d been dealt.

Of course, I make no assumptions about his situation. After all, I know nothing about his life, and my pseudo-conclusions (I almost never make definite conclusions) based on purely observation could be completely wrong.

However, it made me realize how lucky I am to not only have a certain amount of intelligence, but to have lived the life I have lived. Although I agree that ignorance is bliss, I have become quite content with the limited awareness that I possess today. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have loved and…given up, and to have been loved in return, even if my giving up of such things will mean that I may never love again. I have lived a life of financial security. I am fairly (although not fully) content with the person I have been able to become.

What could I possibly have to complain about? Not much. Only about a few things unresolved, from a past I’m still trying to understand.

Life, as it were, appears to be good. So why do I not feel as happy as I should? Perhaps a chemical imbalance of some sort, although I don’t want to be so arrogant as to make such a claim without more substantial symptoms.

I believe the answer lies in the fact that the last few things in my life which need resolution are major enough to leave me only feeling complacent. The next step, past identifying such matters, would be to resolve them.

But perhaps complacency is the best one can do.

This has been one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had in recent memory. I have to organize my trip home, my trip to the Dominican, my living arrangements, and my studying within the next day or two. I’ve decided to take the bus home, since it will be much cheaper than the train, but I haven’t decided when to go yet. I also can’t book a return ticket until I find out if John is going to his cottage or not. My living arrangements have become even more complicated. Between giving my two months notice and finding out whether Nick and I have been accepted at an apartment, I have to figure everything out by the time I leave for home.

I’ve mainly been studying for my two finals in the last few days. I’ve tried really hard at my graphics final, so hopefully I’ll be able to pass it. Otherwise, I’ll be taking a software engineering course in the summer to make up for the lost credits, which will delay my graduation a possible eight months. Geology hasn’t been going well, as I’m finding it extremely difficult to concentrate. In the end, all that matters is that I’ve tried my best.

Trolley and Wheaties have bought Canadian domains, and registered with the provider which hosts me. It will be interesting to see what the domain is finally used for, aside from their metric time system.

I will be going home soon, and Dolores will be taking up residence at Trolley’s for the week. Hopefully, she will get along with Nala by the end. I look forward to playing Magic: The Gathering at Coffee Time, meeting JG, talking with Sam, hanging out with Darren and John, blazing, and just generally relaxing.

I realized that my writing is very dry.

I had the pleasure of taking care of Nala while Trolley and Wheaties were home for the long weekend. She greeted me with loud protestations, angry that her caretaker had left her alone in the house for two days so far. Alas, it was only me who had arrived, a stranger she hadn’t gotten comfortable with yet. She followed me around at first, and watched as I filled up her food and water dishes. After a while she realized that I was the only one coming. “Where is my slave?”, she demanded, and ran off to sleep under the kitchen table.

I tried to talk to her, to let her know that her company would be back in two more days. I asked if she was alright, if she was bored or sleepy or energetic.

It felt…a little odd…to be so verbose with a cat. I consider myself to be a sane person. At the same time, I realize that cats cannot answer back. A strange little paradox.

I find myself in the same situation around children. When a kid asks me a question to which the answer is beyond his comprehension, I don’t know what to say. I become rather embarrassed that I’ve been placed in such a situation. Do I tell this child the truth, or do I give a saccharine answer? Do I attempt to shed some consciousness on a child’s life, or do I let him/her remain in a blissful childhood ignorance?

Any decision can be thought of in a bad way. I never know what to say, so I generally don’t answer back.

I still talk to Dolores though.

For there can be no judgement there.

Studying has not been going well. I find it difficult to get motivated, both exams being a week away. I’d much rather be trying to improve my win ratio or working on my book, than learning about orthogonal view mathematics or mesothermal vein deposits. I might just write off the rest of the afternoon as relaxation.

Using my tax return as justification, I bought a set of Candela’s a few days ago. After seeing a movie in which a restaurant displays a beautiful set of mood lighting, I was inspired to give some more personality to my rather drably room. My Christmas lights do add a bit of mood, but they are too bright to feel comfortable. I also bought a blue single, in case one of them burns out, and so that I can have a bit of colour at my disposal. I don’t like the fact that they run on NiCads though, making them have the troublesome characteristic of memory. I’d like to just leave it on until I go to bed, but I’m afraid I’d have to let them “burn out”, although I’m sure that lithium ion batteries would have doubled the price as well as the weight, and halved the lifespan of each Candela.

My computer desperately needs a formatting.

I caught Basic this afternoon with Aaron and Chris. It wasn’t very good; the plot had way too many twists to it. I spent the entire time trying to figure out what the hell was going on and admiring Connie Nielson’s distinguished and weathered face (oh my).

It’s getting dark here, but the light hasn’t completely left the day yet. The sky waxes grey with the setting of the sun, and a gentle rain is making the pavement shine with the yellow glow of the street lamps. The smell consumes me, and I’m back walking the streets on an unrecollected gloomy day.

I finally finished off my honours project, so I can rest a bit easier now. The one report is worth two courses itself. It ended up being around 22 pages, which isn’t too bad. The only thing that remains is my geo essay, and I only have about a half page left to write. I went to lunch with Aaron and Wheaties to celebrate a completed course at the Elephant and Castle. A great waitress served us, and offered a variation on the Strongbow I was having, which was the addition of some lime cordial, or some black currant juice. We all got to try both with the Strongbow, and it was decided that the lime was the better of the two. The remaining black currant juice went into the beer, and Aaron told me that it was tasty.

200 more wins to an archmage icon.

I’ve been listening to the latest AFI album lately, and even though I didn’t much care for it at first, I’m completely addicted now. There’s something about the harmonies in the vocals that make their sound so unique. I’m not quite used to Davey Havok’s voice though, as he sounds like a child to me. Quite unconventional Currently, my favorite song is This Celluloid Dream.

A trip to the Dominican Republic may be working out for the first weekend of May. Since it’s the beginning of the off-season, the cost of the entire trip, drinks and meals included along with residence at a four-star hotel, will be around $900 for a week. Apparently this includes scuba diving, horseback riding, jet skiing, and a beach-side view. Currently, only Aaron, Cristina and I are completely committed to going, but we need an even number of people so we’re trying to find one more person.

Artfag is currently a redhead. Ummmm…yah.

Jonathan tells me that the full-time job seems promising, but he’s not making any guarantees. It would mainly consist of going around the city to various commercial customers and troubleshooting computer problems. The pay will start at around $15 which is not too bad, but not great for a graduate. He says that I’ll also need a car to be able to get to the locations that need service, something that I’ll consider more if I’m actually able to get the job. He tells me that it’s a good foot-in-the-door for web programming positions in the future. I am very grateful, and I’m not getting hopes up.

People who know me know that I generally tend not to get my hopes up. I never see the point. If I get my hopes up and things work out in my favour, then I would have expected such an outcome, and I become unappreciative. If things don’t work out, then I feel even worse than had nothing happened. On the other hand, if I don’t get my hopes up, I’ll feel great when I get my way, or I’ll feel fine when nothing works out.

Yet I can’t help but get my hopes up for what the future may hold. Lately, things have been going well in such a way that I feel comforted. Jonathan has made a great attempt at trying to get me a computer related job with a decent salary. I applied to a beautiful apartment with Nick which, I was told, I should have no trouble obtaining occupancy. I will be graduating soon, and free to live my life with a freedom only matched from the summer days of my childhood.

But most bright to me seems to be the future with my friends. I’ve met a great bunch of people, of which I immensely enjoy hanging out with. They have offered to help me move. They enjoy the same things I do. They are people I can confide in. They have gotten excited about my tenancy with Nick. Who else do I know is interested in my happiness? What other friends that I’ve had are so keen in spending time with me?

My friends make the future seem warm and bearable. Even when I admit to myself the way the future may work out, the fact that I may not get this job and industry connection, the fact that my rental application may be denied, I can’t imagine anything going wrong with these wonderful people. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t feel this way, that I could keep my mind in check. But I can’t.

And I don’t care.

I wasn’t going to write today, but the gentle light from the setting sun, along with the mild, windless chill, has affected me in such a manner that I wish only to speak of the boundless beauty that the weather can provide. I’m reminded of the spring walks home from Ashley’s house, feeling the cool air through my hair with the pale orange sky above my head. Pure contentment.

Progress on my essays has not been going well. I have spent the last half week on geology, and still have less than two pages done. I wish the terminology wasn’t so market based. Fuck.

I was able to go rock climbing for a second time with Trolley, Cristina, Aaron, Wheaties, Nick, Greg, Amanda, and Simon. It was great to have so many people go at once, so that we could just wonder around and see how other people were doing. I was able to scale three more walls that I wasn’t able to last time, which were all 5.6’s. The tips of my fingers were raw at the end from belaying so much. My forearm strength is currently the first thing to give, so I wasn’t very sore the next day. We headed out to Perkins after and pigged out on good food. What a great fucking time.

I was able to ask Simon about his tongue stud, and he told me that out of all the piercings he’s had (ears and eyebrow), the tongue was the least painful by far, due to the fact that the nerve endings are all on the surface of the tongue. Once the spike goes through the tongue, nothing is felt afterwards. New information that I’ll have to consider.

Tuesday. Brideshead Revisited. Jeremy Irons is one sexy, sexy man.

Dolores has been extra cuddly these last few days, and I’ve been woken up by her turning a few times, before nestling on my legs or stomach. I feel bad that I feel so constricted every time she settles down, causing me to toss and turn. It’s as if itches only come once a cat has found a pillow in your lap.

So…

I just finished my graphics presentation. I presented to a group of nosy people in the class, instead of only my prof and TA’s. The people who watched were quite amazed, it seemed, at what I was able to accomplish on my own. It made my proud that I was able to write the code from scratch in two days. I admit that I had one of the more interesting ideas out of the class, being dynamic as well as mathematically stimulating, as opposed to some of the static animations or cheap games that other projects consisted of. I think I had one of the lesser ambitious ideas though, since making a game look nice would be much harder than a simple simulation such as the game of life. The TA’s congratulated me afterwards, and the prof, who’s infamous for being so soft-spoken that people mistake him as coming out of a funeral, actually clapped at the end. It made me fairly proud of my presentation, although the praise of Charity, the resident CS eye candy in a faculty of the aesthetically challenged, made me even more content. It’s as if physical attractiveness gives someones opinion even more weight. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a pretty face.

A Griffin Powermate is glowing seductively next to my keyboard, a purchase I made over the weekend. I’m currently using it as a volume knob, and I have yet to set it as a zoom function for Photoshop, Acrobat, Word, or Ghostscript viewer. It’s so sexy that I almost put it down my pants.

After having one of the best brands of Hong Kong milk tea for a few months, I’ve switched back to the leaves provided to me by the medicine shop in Chinatown. I can taste a very distinct difference now; the latter seems to have a more fruity, earthy taste to it, and a weaker body.

I believe that I have a place for the next year. Nick and I went to look at the apartment complex across from mine, and we were extremely impressed. It’s 200 square feet bigger than the one I’m currently in, yet $50 cheaper. I will even have my own bathroom. It lacks a balcony, but a balcony is something I’m willing to sacrifice for a larger living room. We have the arrangements made, and we will try to sign something on Wednesday, to reserve an apartment on the penthouse for July. I’m a little worried that there may be some problems that only pop up after inhabiting the same living space, but I’m sure that it will be nothing I can’t deal with. I can’t even imagine leaving this city now, because of all the great friends I have here.

I should be receiving a $1500 tax return with the next two weeks. No plans have been made yet.

I wonder if I come off as a person with emotional baggage. One of the (very few) things that I pride myself in is my “self-awareness”, the ability to see myself objectively, but this is a characteristic that I am unable to determine within myself. Has my past made me a person of frightening, unpersonable disposition? Do people think of me as someone with deep rooted emotional issues?

I wonder if my history even matters to others. I realize that it’s when I let my history interfere with or affect my relationships that it becomes a problem. I’m afraid, however, that I let things become affected more than I’d like, more than I understand.

The past is something that I recognize as being significant, and I try to keep it only as that. It is something that I learn from, something which can affect me and my decisions today, but not something that I should presently be dealing with.

So, is it?

Well, I’m not completely sure. On a night like tonight, when the midnight sky burns bright enough to illuminate my room, I can’t help but feel unheard, unheard in something I wish to express. What becomes this need to be understood?

It’s a voice I wish to have, to bring me closure, to let me be free.

It has taken me three hours to write this final thought, along with the resurfacing of many distracting memories. Things still feel unresolved, of course, but I have sufficiently quelled my mood until there is a more appropriate time to express myself.

When I see you again, you will understand what I’ve become, and what you’ve done to make me this way.

I feel like talking, but I doubt anyone would understand. Sometimes, I feel like speaking to someone, and having them listen. Other times, I would rather have them strengthen my convictions, to tell me what I need to hear back. Tonight, I need someone who understands, who can make sense of what I’m feeling, who can provide not only support, but guidance as well.

Scary Movie Night 3 went well yesterday. It ended up that Aaron, Cristina, Nick, Jacques, Ngan, Trolley, and Wheaties came over to watch Signs, which I thought was only moderately scary, and had an inspiring, but rather cheap ending. The former three people stayed over to hang out, and I think I scared them off with some overtly disgusting Southpark episodes. Everyone was wasted by the end of the night, so talking seemed to take a secondary role.

I had a good phone call with John the other day.

There hasn’t been much progress on my geology essay. It seems like there’s a great lack of material on the internet about gold value fluctuations, from a geological perspective; everything is from a financial view. I’m a little worried that I’ll have half the length I’m supposed to. It’s due at the end of the month, so I’ll still have time. The only problem is that time will most likely not help any.