Confusion is something that has always struck me in the worst circumstances. Yet it’s something that’s very difficult for me to understand at the time. I am usually very unaware of my confusion. I find that it usually takes about six months for me to come full circle, and come to a full comprehension of what has happened. It’s as if I can’t see what’s going on in the present, but I have an idea of what will happen in the future, and a knowledge of the past, like the damned in the Divine Comedy.

I understand that it takes time to be out of a certain situation and to be able to free oneself of the bonds or consequences of decisions made during that time. Sometimes it just feels like the only thing that matters is for the confusion to go away, so that one doesn’t make an incorrect choice or decision.

Confusion was an aide to me once in a relationship. It caused me to see things clearer, and I ended up in a better place because of it, although I didn’t realize it at the time.

I just wish I felt like that was true.

I’m fucking exhausted. I haven’t been this tired since my trip to Tremblant, possibly. I feel drugged. I almost had a 10 hour day, and I slept horribly last night. I decided to attempt an entry at five in the morning, but I didn’t get very far. I knew that if I didn’t write tonight, I wouldn’t sleep very well again.

I find so much reason to write nowadays. I seem to be getting affected by so much. All my emotion is coming back to me like the opening of a vacuum.

Working on my graphics assignment has made me realize how large the project is. I have most of the camera movements figured out, so that I can enter co-ordinates into an array and the camera will move between them. I can get the other motions done, like camera angle and center of focus relatively easily. I just need to figure out a way to animate four arm objects at once, keeping track of all the motions. I’ll have about two days to work on it, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it done.

An interesting mathematical idea I’ve learned more about is the Game of Life. I’ve never really found math phenomena fascinating, but the Game of Life offers an infinite number of possibilites in creating something amazing. With a simple drag of the mouse, one can see if a group of cells will be able to survive, reach stasis, or die off, based on Conway’s rules. I could spend hours trying out new patterns, watching the cells dance in tiny flourishes of logic.

I got all three of my mid-terms back, and I was able to pass two out of three. However, the two I managed to pass are still within five marks of failing. I find that this term is the ultimate test of my ability to pull things off. It’s the term with the most dire consequences if I fail, and the term that requires the most of my galvanizing strength.

I’ve asked Pat to attend my graduation. He’s the person who’s helped me out the most in the last four years, no matter what my problem was. Out of all the people I know, I think that he would be the proudest.

Tonight was another scary movie night. Nick, Aaron, and Pita came over. This time it was The Shining. I almost watched it one time, but I was in the company of people who were mocking other people, so I opted to fall asleep instead. Although I didn’t walk away from this movie with as much fear as Ringu, it was able to actually send chills up my spine and down my arms. I’ve never experienced any sort of chills relating to horror before, possibly because I usually don’t like the genre. I was…amazed at what Kubrick did. The angles and score seemed to be the most distinguishing feature. My favorite scene is when the wife is exhaustedly trying to open the freezer door, jamming the handle over and over, while the camera is set near the door, and the audience can see the sweat in her hair, the fatigue in her face, the franticness of the situation.