February 26, 2003

Inferno: Canto III, Line 9

I always won­der who reads this. I try to never write for any­one else; after all, the things I write about are things that bother me, that I need to get down. It puz­zles me some­times when I read people’s jour­nals, and they start to talk to their friends about some­thing, or to some phan­tom audi­ence. I can under­stand why one would do that though, since the point of some are to inform friends of how one is doing. More often than not, how­ever, it seems to be an exer­cise in narcissism.

I won­der what some­one would think of me, if they were read­ing this with­out ever meet­ing me. Would they be able to see all sides of me? Would they be able to under­stand who I really am? Most of the time, what I write is out of neces­sity, and ends up being some sort of com­plaint, rant, or confusion.

I think most peo­ple would believe that I’ve lost hope. It’s quite the con­trary really. Ever since the sum­mer, I’ve gained hope to a degree. Of course, I’ve often stated that hope is a bad thing, and I still feel that way to a degree.

What I’ve come to real­ize is that I should pos­si­bly try to hope for the future, but not get my hopes up. The dif­fer­ence between the two is in length of time. Getting one’s hopes up has a more short-term con­no­ta­tion for more tange­able ideas, whereas hop­ing for the future is thought of as hop­ing for some­thing that is cur­rently unknown. If the future is ever to become the present, I’ll try to keep myself more grounded.

And if the present were to come to fruition?

Maybe it would be a good thing.

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February 26, 2003

Thoughts After A Bad Phonecall

Leave it to a sin­gle phone call to fill me with worry. Now I’m anx­ious about my marks, my mid-terms, my projects, my grad­u­a­tion, my life. Pat gave me a pep-talk yes­ter­day, and it helped. Graduation seems uncom­fort­ably close. I’m dying to know how the story ends.

Patrick was nice enough to come up to me and start a con­ver­sa­tion the other day. I asked him how his work was going, and he told that he’s really enjoy­ing it. He let me know that the Montage project in becom­ing really big, and they might be look­ing for more work­ers, and that if I send Chau my resumé and let him know that I can work full-time dur­ing the sum­mer, I might be able to get a job in devel­op­ment, instead of informatics.

God, my sen­tences are becom­ing more and more struc­tured like some­thing Henry James would have writ­ten, although I’m sure I’m not able to be as descrip­tive, or as bril­liant, since he’s a well renowned author infa­mous for being gar­ru­lous, whereas I’m sim­ply a com­puter sci­ence stu­dent, only able to write when necessary.

There seem to be a few Five Alive flavours on the mar­ket, such as “Tropical”, “Citrus”, or “Peach Passion”, but none taste as good as “Berry”. Aaron, Trolley, and I all agree that it tastes like Skittles. The juice from con­cen­trate has a slightly vary­ing taste from the one in the bot­tle; I find the lat­ter to be a lit­tle more tart and a lit­tle sweeter.

I’m get­ting a new Intellimouse Explorer sent to me via snail mail, thanks to Trolley. I called up Microsoft, told them that my mouse but­ton was double-clicking when it should have single-clicked (as instructed by Trolley), and they told me that they would send a new one, free of charge. I don’t even need to send my cur­rent one back. I got my cur­rent one four years ago, and I remem­ber spend­ing $100 on it. The pads of it have been worn out unevenly, caus­ing a notice­able wob­ble. The lat­est design of the Intellimouse Explorer has a lower, sleeker pro­file, and more eas­ily acces­si­ble thumb but­tons. Yay.

After talk­ing with my geol­ogy pro­fes­sor I feel dumb as fuck. I almost failed my mid-term; my mark was the sec­ond low­est in the class, even with a gen­er­ous grade curve. I think I did con­sid­er­ably well, con­sid­er­ing the fact that I had three mid-terms that day, and the fact that I find my mind to be dead when I have my Tuesday lec­tures after a 7:30am lab. Apparently, I have very lit­tle com­mon sense. Although I know that zinc is the main ingre­di­ent is sun­screen, or that soft-drinks con­tain car­bon, I don’t know that nitro­gen is an impor­tant ele­ment in fer­til­izer or that graphite is a pop­u­lar indus­trial lubri­cant. The list of what I don’t know goes on and on. I had no fuck­ing clue that bak­ing soda is sodium bicar­bon­ate. To my prof, all of this is gen­eral knowl­edge, so it’s assumed when deal­ing with the course. I was never good at chem­istry, and my pro­gramme of stud­ies isn’t even close to related. I also took the pre­req­ui­site at the begin­ning of uni­ver­sity, which is four years ago. Fuck.

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February 26, 2003

Nala

If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have adopted Dolly.

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February 24, 2003

Imbalance

I think Dolly may be inter­ested in hav­ing another cat around the house. I’ve been play­ing some cat sounds, and no mat­ter where she is in the apart­ment, she’ll com­ing run­ning into my room. A sec­ond cat is some­thing I only started to con­sider this term. Last term it felt as if I wouldn’t be able to han­dle the chores, let alone dou­bling my annual vet­eri­nar­ian bill. Sometimes she seems lonely though, like when she imme­di­ately starts to cry when I walk in the door after a day of school, her protest­ing only being soothed after pick­ing her up, and being replaced by a low purr. I’ve always seen myself as a one cat per­son; I think I’d feel a lit­tle imbal­anced if I had more than one. If I do decide to get one, it will def­i­nitely be after I grad­u­ate, def­i­nitely after I find a sta­ble job, and pos­si­bly after I can pur­chase a condo. It would be more for Dolly than for me though. I can’t imag­ine find­ing another cat that is as well-adapted as she is, so the idea scares me a little.

One time I dis­cussed with Pita whether he would ever con­sider get­ting two dogs. He said that he couldn’t, not just because it would be much harder to han­dle, but because he would feel more favourable to one or the other.

The idea of favour is one that I haven’t been able to under­stand. How can par­ents love all their kids with­out lik­ing one more than the other, espe­cially when one fol­lows the desires of the par­ents more closely. It might be some­thing I don’t under­stand, being an only child. If such a bal­ance is pos­si­ble, wouldn’t polyg­a­mous rela­tion­ships work as well? I think part of the mis­un­der­stand­ing stems from my con­fu­sion of rela­tional love and parental love as well.

For love is the root of my imbalance.

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February 24, 2003

Old School, Frozen Carrots, Etc.

I was exhausted yes­ter­day. I worked almost all day on my graph­ics project, and Aaron came over to work on his Scheme assign­ment. I was able to talk to him for a few hours before start­ing the work. We caught Old School at the Coliseum near his place, but it was still a thirty minute walk in one direc­tion. The movie was too pre­dictable, but had some very well done scenes, such as Will Ferrell get­ting shot in the neck with a tranq dart. I thought some parts were almost insult­ing though, like a com­pletely gra­tu­itous cam­era shot of Elisha Cuthbert’s ass while she was lay­ing on a bed. It’s not that I don’t find her behind to be a thing of beauty, it’s that it feels like the pro­duc­ers are adding shit like that in just to get more peo­ple in the audi­ence. I guess it’s been hap­pen­ing for a while now; ever since Shannon Elizabeth bared her twins in American Pie, teen movies have been becom­ing more and more sleazy. I still enjoyed Old School though, and gen­er­ally laughed my ass off.

Watching Old School allowed me to dis­cover a decent song called Dust in the Wind by Kansas. I’ve also been down­load­ing a lot of Canadian singer Holly Cole, who has a beau­ti­fully expres­sive, olive oil voice. I enjoy Bagdad Café in par­tic­u­lar. I found two ver­sions of the song, one live and one stu­dio, which are good but with their own unique flaws. I pre­fer the live ver­sion because it has a sim­ple piano and bass, instead of synth sounds in the stu­dio ver­sion, but at one point she becomes obnox­iously loud, as if she was over­sing­ing the notes, the way a trum­pet would sound if the trum­peter was blar­ing. It makes her voice seem almost mas­cu­line, which is a big turn-off. The way she mixes her vibrato with her flar­ing is very seduc­tive though. In the stu­dio ver­sion, how­ever, she seems to start off one line a lit­tle flat, before push­ing her diaphragm to hit a note with­out going falsetto. It sur­prized me, since stu­dio songs tend to be a lit­tle too perfect.

I finally put up my poster of Dominique Swain. Aaron helped me decide on the linen closet door, since the walls in my room are so big they dwarf my mod­estly sized poster. I haven’t put it up since sec­ond year because it didn’t seem to fit into the sim­ple­ness of my room.

I’m not espe­cially happy with yes­ter­days entry, but I des­per­ately felt like I had to get some­thing down. It’s a lit­tle too trite for me to be satisfied.

I bought a bag of frozen car­rots and pearl onions to try out the last time I went gro­cery shop­ping, since I’ve been try­ing to eat more veg­eta­bles. I found out today that I really don’t like pearl onions. They taste like what I imag­ine an onion would taste like after being soaked in water overnight. I tried to have the car­rots only, but the bag is sup­posed to be a mélange of the two, and the taste of the onions ends up seep­ing into the taste of the car­rots. I really enjoy hav­ing a bunch of onion slices sautéed before adding in a pork chop or what­not to the fry­ing pan, but pearl onions seem to be a dif­fer­ent breed of onion.

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February 24, 2003

If There Was A Blog Equivalent Of A Redhead

This would be it.

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February 22, 2003

The Conversationalist

Does no one talk any­more? It feels as if every­one needs to be doing some­thing in order to be enter­tained. I remem­ber try­ing to get together with an old friend for some drinks, maybe a cof­fee so that I could find out how he was doing. We were good friends in high school, and since I hadn’t seen him in three years, I thought it would be a good oppor­tu­nity to learn about what he had been doing. When we were actu­ally able to get together, we ended up play­ing board games. I had a good time, but it felt odd that I didn’t have any news from him by the time I left.

I under­stand that most peo­ple are busy with school, espe­cially in fourth year, so that relax­ation time ends up being hard-core play­ing and drink­ing time, which doesn’t involve some­thing as lack­adaisi­cal as talk­ing. I’ve been able to meet some good con­ver­sa­tion­al­ists, like Dina, Pat, Aaron, or Nick, but they’re gen­er­ally too busy to speak with. I don’t think any­one is at fault here, I guess I just wish that more peo­ple would be inter­ested in con­ver­sa­tion, who could com­mit more time to it.

I think it’s the fact that my brain is exer­cised when I can talk with some­one. Many thoughts that are cloudy in my head become more solid­i­fied. I’m also able to learn so much when some­one has a dif­fer­ent per­spec­tive, and learn­ing feels so good. It’s a pity that I don’t know more peo­ple that I can sim­ply talk to. I haven’t had a nice, long con­ver­sa­tion pos­si­bly in a year, since gen­er­ally all other con­ver­sa­tions feel rushed from work or school. No one has the time to talk until 3 am anymore.

It’s going to be a long night.

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February 22, 2003

The Fourth Day

Four con­sec­u­tive writ­ing days in a row. Balls.

Pat called me yes­ter­day to see how I was doing. How fuck­ing amaz­ing is that? When I found out, the back of my nose felt tightly con­gested, and the rims of my eyes started to tin­gle. I need to be more like Pat. I real­ized yes­ter­day that he’s like my preacher; he’s the only one I can talk to with­out fear­ing judg­ment or embar­rass­ment. It’s not that my other friends aren’t under­stand­ing, it’s that Pat is able to see the moti­va­tions that drive the actions one does, with­out wor­ry­ing about whether the con­se­quences are for bet­ter or worse. He’s able to see the good in many peo­ple, and I guess that I need to be reminded that I have some good in me on occasion.

I think I need boobs. I bought a turtle­neck dur­ing a box­ing day sale. I found it on a table stacked with other mot­ley piles of clothes, in the mid­dle of the store, for 50% off. I didn’t try it on, since the lines for the change rooms were ridicu­lously long. I got home and tried it on, and it felt a little…large. I tried to shrink it in the wash, but it only slightly worked, because it still fit in an odd way. I real­ized today that it might be a girls’ turtle­neck, and that the extra room in it might be for a healthy rack. I’m not com­pletely sure, because I’ve never tried on what I know to be a girls’ turtle­neck, and the beige colour isn’t par­tic­u­larly fem­i­nine. I sup­pose I could try to return it since it hasn’t been worn yet, and hasn’t been (notice­ably) washed, but I’d rather have the boobs.

I’ve tried to change the date and time cod­ing in PHP, so that it more accu­rately rep­re­sents when the entries were writ­ten, but no such luck. The server this is hosted on is located in Hong Kong, which is about 13 hours ahead, so all the entries seem like they’re writ­ten 13 hours into the future. I found out how to edit the val­ues of the date and time, but only when it’s from a cur­rent time­stamp, and not when it’s being retrieved from a data­base. I might just try to fig­ure out a way around every­thing if I really feel the need to have accu­rate numbers.

I think that I stop read­ing dur­ing par­tic­u­larly stress­ful school terms. My free time alone is gen­er­ally divided between gam­ing and read­ing, and when I need some stress relief then gam­ing is just able to deliver much bet­ter. As Doug and I dis­cussed, we’re able to lose our­selves, to just let go of every­thing else and be com­pletely absorbed. Sometimes my stress will spill over though, and I’ll feel the need to write.

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February 21, 2003

5 am vs. Acceptance

A while ago, I tried to under­stand the dif­fi­cul­ties I would face in hav­ing chil­dren. I see now that a very fun­da­men­tal prob­lem with the entire con­cept is that I haven’t accepted what I’ve become yet. Such an inabil­ity is rel­e­vant inso­far as the fact that I haven’t accepted who I am cre­ates fur­ther dif­fi­culty in accept­ing some­one else.

The same sort of prob­lem arises out of rela­tion­ships, but in an inverse man­ner; how could I expect some­one else to accept me, when I haven’t done so already? I feel that such a dif­fi­culty is prob­a­bly the most promi­nent obsta­cle in my rela­tion­ships. Another would be the fact that I’m not sure if I am strong enough per­son to prop­erly take care of some­one else. Relationships are sup­posed to be mutu­al­is­tic, and it feels as if I’m not ready for them yet.

I’ve been think­ing this for quite a while now. So many things seem to be point­ing me to this fact. I’ve been slowly accept­ing it, and it has very slowly been working.

Yet some­one is tear­ing my rea­son­ing apart.

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February 21, 2003

Just Getting It Out

Why do I feel bet­ter after writ­ing what I can­not pro­fess to others?

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February 21, 2003

33% Less Salt, Schoolwork, And More Games

I’ve been try­ing the reg­u­lar Maple Leaf bacon recently, instead of the 33% less salt I nor­mally buy. I wanted to see what I was miss­ing out on, and it turns out that it’s just the salt. The bacon does taste bet­ter (it is salt after all), but that’s about it. I’ll prob­a­bly switch back to my less unhealthy bacon next time I go shopping.

I still haven’t been able to accom­plish a sin­gle bit of school­work so far in the week. Aaron, Trolley, and Dougie were all inter­ested in my OpenGL assign­ment, so I feel like I’m more inspired to work on it to show them what can be done, maybe make them proud of me. I’d def­i­nitely want to cre­ate some­thing that they would find amaz­ing. Almost like quan­tum par­ti­cle observers.

I’ve been get­ting a boon of games lately, such as Battlefield 1942. Battlefield 1942 plays fairly well, with decent bot sup­port, but some­times runs at ter­ri­ble speeds, even on high-end machines. The mul­ti­player poten­tial is amaz­ing though. Pat also loaned me his PS2 for the week, so I’ve been try­ing to get through MGS2 as fast as I can. I have to admit that hid­ing in card­board boxes is the best part of the game, which is say­ing a lot, con­sid­er­ing how good a game MGS2 is.

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February 21, 2003

Endless Cycle

I real­ize that I’m more self­ish than I realize.

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February 21, 2003

The Advantages Of Jealousy

I told Aaron that I wanted to feel jeal­ous, so that I could know if I’m capa­ble of love again.

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February 20, 2003

My Turn

Darren and I were talk­ing about the unre­quited feel­ings we’ve expe­ri­enced, and he asked me if I ever felt like no other per­son could ever match up to the per­son I felt the strongest about. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I was afraid of the truth, and I didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I real­ize that it’s some­thing I have to face, because it has affected my relationships.

Yes, I am very scared.

Sometimes I feel emo­tion­ally numb, as if I’ll never have the same feel­ings again. Infatuations end up being silly fris­sons. I’m not sure whether it was the inten­sity of my feel­ing, the fact that it was sim­ply the first time, or even if it’s the fact that I haven’t met the right per­son yet.

It ter­ri­fies me when a female has many qual­i­ties that I feel are impor­tant for a rela­tion­ship, but I have no feel­ings for them. It makes me think that I have some set of lofty stan­dards that can’t be met. I feel hor­ri­ble about it. I feel like a monster.

How can I know what I feel is true? How can one be sure of such fickle, con­scious­ness alter­ing emo­tions? It’s so dif­fi­cult to remain cere­bral in such cir­cum­stances, espe­cially when the absence of such an adjec­tive is what defines such emotions.

I’m barely scratch­ing the sur­face on a sub­ject I have so lit­tle expe­ri­ence about. What can some­one like me say about such things? I should hum­ble myself to oth­ers. I only know that I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ll never fall in love again.

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February 20, 2003

Ground Zero

I feel jit­tery. I feel ner­vous. I feel like I’m at ground zero, yet again. I must write.

I ended up get­ting gro­ceries on Monday, at the most con­ve­nient Loblaws still open. It’s at a decent loca­tion, and right on the tran­sit­way, but much smaller than the Loblaws I used to fre­quent. That’s alright though, since it just means that I can’t pick up lawn fur­ni­ture or air hockey tables in the bulk buy­ers section.

I’ve been relax­ing too much dur­ing read­ing week. I’m not sure how much work I should attempt to get done in the next few days. On the one hand, I see it as a break, and that I should be doing noth­ing but relax­ing. On the other hand, I also see it as catch-up week, which is the way most of my friends are view­ing it as well, mak­ing me feel guilty that I plan on hav­ing a supine mood through most of the week. I’ll be try­ing to study with Aaron tomor­row though, so hope­fully his work ethic will rub off on me.

I finally found a word for non-physical affin­ity (as opposed to a phys­i­cal affin­ity, which would be “fetish”): propen­sity. It’s too bad that propen­sity doesn’t have the same sex­ual con­no­ta­tion asso­ci­ated with it, but then again, I must be the only per­son I know that gets turned on by someone’s per­son­al­ity or actions.

I’ve been liv­ing out of my Banana Republic hoodie lately. It’s the hoodie I’ve felt the most com­fort­able in; the sleeves are nice and long, the mate­r­ial is a sort of soft, smooth cot­ton, and the hood isn’t too stiff. I wish there was a Banana Republic some­where in this city. I’ve always liked the qual­ity of their mate­ri­als, the semi-formal look of their casual clothes.

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