I seem to be struck with a great need for mental and physical antipathy lately. Everywhere I look, things are filled with beauty, and I am unused to it. I’m not sure what has changed; whether it’s myself, or the world around me. It often feels like there’s too much to take in, too much to experience, and that I’m unworthy. I wish that I could be cold and bitter as before, so that I could feel better about myself, that I didn’t feel so ugly and ashamed.

Everything is so much simpler when the world is black. My mind is made up, everything is stable, I can create. Yet there is always something that is missing, something that I’m always striving towards.

I think it all has to do with the fact that I’m still uncomfortable with contentment. It’s still an awkward feeling for me, something that I’m not used to yet. Antipathy could change this, but I can’t bring myself to hate again.

My antipathy has mostly left me.