January 27, 2003

Birthday Rounds ’03

I went to the Clocktower with Aaron and Wheaties yes­ter­day, to cel­e­brate the birth­days of Sheri, Thom, Matt, and Marc. It was much fun, although I remained sober for the night. I tried my hand at pool, a skill which I think many develop when attend­ing uni­ver­sity, since there were so many amaz­ing play­ers who were my friends as well. I felt a bit bad about not buy­ing some shots for the birth­day peo­ple, and for ditch­ing Wheaties in split­ing a sec­ond pitcher of anything.

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January 27, 2003

NWN, Ringu, Final Project, Condo Scouting

I’ve been decently busy lately. Assignments are due shortly. Games remain as addic­tive as ever.

I’ve been wean­ing off my Neverwinter Nights habit in the last week, and I’ve been gam­ing in mod­er­a­tion. I was out of bal­ance a lit­tle while ago, but I seem to have regained it now.

I down­loaded Ringu, the Japanese hor­ror movie that was remade as The Ring in North America. Apparently, the Japanese ver­sion was much more fright­en­ing than the toned down American ver­sion, much like Jacky Chan’s fight scenes, I sus­pect. I’m still hes­i­tant to watch it; I don’t like hor­ror movies in gen­eral as they tend to cause a great lack of sleep dur­ing the fol­low­ing week, and this movie is sup­posed to be leg­endary in it’s abil­ity to cause such an afflic­tion. Even the fuck­ing box cover scares me. I guess that if there’s a week that I need to get a lot of work done, I could use the movie as a sort of caf­feine substitute.

I spoke with my super­vi­sor about a pro­posal. For my final project, I’ll be try­ing to cal­cu­late the time com­plex­ity of solv­ing a Rubik’s cube. There seems to be a rich set of lit­er­a­ture doc­u­ment­ing var­i­ous algo­rithms and solu­tions for solv­ing one in opti­mal time, so I think that I’ll have my work cut out for me. I’ve never been very good at solv­ing Rubik’s cubes, since I never owned one. In the last few days I’ve been spend­ing some time in under­stand­ing the logic behind the moves, and I’ve been able to solve it twice, with some online help. The radial ten­don in my wrist seems to be suf­fer­ing, how­ever, with a slight pinched feel­ing, so I’m going to be restrain­ing myself in fid­dling with the cube over the next few days.

I’ve been look­ing for a condo to buy, but there doesn’t seem to be any­thing that I want to live in for more than five years within my price range. I sup­pose that it just makes sense, and that I’m set­ting my stan­dards a bit too high. I’m now won­der­ing if I should move back home or stay here. There are some advan­tages to mov­ing back home, such as being able to live/hang out with John more often. However, I’ve friends here that I don’t want to leave, and I’ve grown fond of this city, and it’s comely feel­ing. It’s a deci­sion I’ll have to make before the sum­mer begins, and I sus­pect that it will be one of the most dif­fi­cult deci­sions I’ll have to make in my life.

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January 21, 2003

Resurfacing Morbidity

I ache all over. Snowboarding has the abil­ity to make mus­cles I’ve never even known about stiff with sore plea­sure. I’ve always liked the feel­ing of not being able to move with­out hurt­ing in some way, as if I fought an exhaust­ing bat­tle with some mon­ster the night before. Even my trapezii are sore from get­ting my face out of the snow every 15 metres. At one point, I actu­ally unerr­ingly veered off the 50 foot wide trail, into a beau­ti­ful pow­der tree­line ditch, land­ing me waist deep in snow, upside down. I found that it was actu­ally pretty easy to ride both nor­mal and fakie with no expe­ri­ence what­so­ever, just carv­ing with the heel­side. The only prob­lem became turn­ing on the doglegs. At one point a school of lit­tle eight-year-old chil­dren weav­ing across the hill on skis were beat­ing Nick and I on our boards, try­ing to race straight down.

All in all, it felt good to learn some­thing new again, to try to carve up a slope on my heel­side, to hear noth­ing but silence from the muf­fling snow of the moun­tain. I real­ized that day-to-day, there is always noise. There’s the con­stant sound of traf­fic out­side my win­dow, or even the wind; silence has become another urban encroach­ment vic­tim. At one point, Aaron and I just stood on the slope and looked at the snow cov­ered lake, moun­tains, and peren­ni­als. The moun­tain is so big, we had to take a gon­dola to a gon­dola at the base. I was sur­prized that it was so chill­ingly cold; my eyes were water­ing just from the gon­dola ride up, and my face hurt the moment I stepped out of the van.

We all orga­nized some kind of food co-operation, so that we never needed to eat out. Unfortunately, my roast ended up a bit too dry, and the scal­loped potatos too moist, but they were still good as left­overs. The lodge was great, com­ing com­plete with two bath­rooms (show­ers included), four twin beds (one of which I had to myself), and cute recep­tion­ists. They even had a wine bot­tle opener in their col­lec­tion of uten­sils and an elec­tric oven, although a bro­ken metal grill acces­sory that came with the microwave pre­vented us from using it due to a flurry of sparks every time we tried.

I only did a half day of board­ing, and spent the rest of the time at the lodge that we rented. It was pretty damn good to just get away, to play some cards and drink with­out a com­puter around or school to worry about. I even got some read­ing done. We watched some TV, played some Mao and 9–5-2. The lodge had a pool and jacuzzi, which I was lucky enough to spend some time in. Some cig­ars were bought, but they ended up being pretty dis­ap­point­ing. There was much dou­ble fist­ing of the drinks, although the more mirth­ful dual hand action was when Aaron attempted to inhale from two cig­ars through his nose.

I missed Dolly a lot.

Going there made me real­ize that I still have a lot to expe­ri­ence that I haven’t done already. I’ve taken a lot of my child­hood for granted, vis­it­ing other con­ti­nents with­out ven­tur­ing enough out­side of my estab­lished norms and pref­er­ences. I wish I could have absorbed more of the scenery when I vis­ited the World Trade Center, or paid atten­tion to the tour guide at the Sydney Opera House. Even some reflec­tion on the way there would have helped me appre­ci­ate what I was about to expe­ri­ence, whether it was the rich musi­cal cog­ni­tion of Hungary’s gen­eral pop­u­la­tion, or even the fresh seafood of Hong Kong.

I can only hope that I am able to appre­ci­ate where I am now, what I’m able to do, and the free­dom I can enjoy, as much as I would appre­ci­ate the expe­ri­ence of another cul­ture or lifestyle. I think that every­day life should be as sig­nif­i­cant as the excep­tional expe­ri­ences, that there can be much mean­ing found in both, and I try to live my life as such.

Perhaps I can already die.

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January 13, 2003

Everyone’s Right

I find myself in a foggy sit­u­a­tion. I am unsure of almost all aspects of it, exclud­ing the parts which allow me an omni­scient under­stand­ing of my per­sonal view. However, it appears to be that all par­ties involved have dif­fer­ing infor­ma­tion in sev­eral events. Everyone has con­flict­ing opin­ions on actions, on deci­sions, on faults.

I’m always unsure of what I think, since I can never be sure what oth­ers think. It’s hard for me to tell; some­times my mind starts to imag­ine things. It’s when I start to believe them that I real­ize the need to keep my thoughts in check.

I find that I need to feel vin­di­cated. I often worry about being blamed for some­thing that’s not my fault, or for some­thing that I’m mis­un­der­stood about, espe­cially if the mis­un­der­stand­ing is due to the bro­ken tele­phone pass­ing of information.

Everyone thinks they’re right.

Including me.

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January 13, 2003

I Can’t Stop Watching Swingers

There’s some­thing about the chem­istry between Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn that sim­ply fas­ci­nates me, and although I’m sure the momen­tum of it spawned the painful movie Made, I still feel inclined to watch it over and over again.

My course load got eas­ier this term, when I dropped a six hour per week course for a three hour one. Light sched­ules always seem to make my mind sloven, as if the load isn’t enough to put my mind in gear, so I grow rest­less in neu­tral. I won­der what I’m going to do when I’m out of school and look­ing for a job, some­thing which will be hap­pen­ing within the half-year.

For some rea­son, Dolly takes an invari­able fas­ci­na­tion with the brush­ing of my teeth. Wherever she is, she’ll stalk up to my loca­tion and gaze intently at the act, hunched for­ward with the weight on her front paws. I can’t fig­ure out what aspect of the brush­ing she may find inter­est­ing, and I won­der whether she’ll ever tire of watching.

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January 13, 2003

After A Dozen Bottles

Homemade wine tastes like home­made wine.

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January 9, 2003

Conversations With John

John stayed over last week-end and we had a great time. It was good to be able to sim­ply be totally relaxed around some­one, instead of being cau­tious, as is the case with even the clos­est of friends. It was enjoy­able to have some­one I can be com­pletely open with.

I think it’s a rare bond that he and I share. I often believed that I would never be able to have some­one know every­thing about me. The idea scares me, makes me cringe. Yet in this week­end, we were able to under­stand each other in such sub­tle ways that no expla­na­tion was needed for many sub­jects. I real­ize that John knows every­thing about me. He has such a his­tory with me that I can feel com­fort­able with such an idea. He’s the only per­son who has met every one of my girlfriends.

One of my favorite con­ver­sa­tions was about the way he man­i­fests his sup­port of the FTA by steal­ing (also delec­table) lemon mints with the words “Down with the FTA!” printed on the wrap­per. Another mem­o­rable one that comes to mind was con­cern­ing our dads mid-life crises. When he found out that a Boxter was part of mine, he told me that his only did some­thing as benign as get­ting re-married. I couldn’t stop laugh­ing when he said it, because it spoke of such a quirky under­stand­ing I have of his father. Yet it also so dis­cretely tells of the value of his rela­tion­ships, another things which I’ve come to under­stand in him.

I believe the appeal of these con­ver­sa­tions is the way in which we can com­mu­ni­cate. Most of my friends are peo­ple whom I can have a good time with, instead of being able to relate intel­lec­tu­ally with. My rela­tion­ship with John allows for both, and I always feel refreshed when I’m fin­ished talk­ing with him.

I can only hope that the effect is mutual.

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January 9, 2003

Passing Grades, Movies Alone And With Friends

I found out that I unof­fi­cially passed all my courses. I won’t believe it until I get the offi­cial transcript.

I just came back from watch­ing Gangs of New York. I don’t think I’ll be going to a the­atre again any­time soon. I paid thir­teen fuck­ing fifty for a ticket, when I could wait for it to come out on DVD and rent it for a third of the price. There wasn’t any­thing in the direct­ing of the movie that made me think, “Oh, that’s Scorsese”, which was slightly dis­ap­point­ing. Day-Lewis’s pres­ence on the screen, on the other hand, was amaz­ing. His elo­cu­tion was just per­fect. I walked home after­wards in the thin, but dense, falling snow. It felt good.

I also watched a movie called The Center of the World yes­ter­day, with the delec­table Molly Parker as a lithe red­head. It wasn’t very good all around; act­ing was bland, story was bland and exag­ger­ated, cam­er­a­work was shoddy (even though it was meant to be), but the sex was good.

I think I’m shmit­ten. Bad.

Dolly is get­ting spayed next week, so I’ll have to find a way to get her to the hos­pi­tal one day, and back the next day. I might have to take a taxi for the four trips, if I can’t find some­one to give me a ride.

I have a fairly easy term, since I only have three classes and a final project to com­plete. There’s also the fact that I’m not work­ing, so that’s another dozen or so hours I’ve saved. I tried to take a course at Carleton instead, but it turns out that there’s no equiv­a­lence. It’s such a pity; my sec­ond attempt at gal­va­niz­ing some of the stag­nancy in my life has failed mis­er­ably, much like the first. I’ll need to look for a per­ma­nent job this term, hope­fully com­puter related.

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January 4, 2003

The Need For Antipathy

I seem to be struck with a great need for men­tal and phys­i­cal antipa­thy lately. Everywhere I look, things are filled with beauty, and I am unused to it. I’m not sure what has changed; whether it’s myself, or the world around me. It often feels like there’s too much to take in, too much to expe­ri­ence, and that I’m unwor­thy. I wish that I could be cold and bit­ter as before, so that I could feel bet­ter about myself, that I didn’t feel so ugly and ashamed.

Everything is so much sim­pler when the world is black. My mind is made up, every­thing is sta­ble, I can cre­ate. Yet there is always some­thing that is miss­ing, some­thing that I’m always striv­ing towards.

Odd, that I should be look­ing for an end to pain, when pain is so comforting.

I think it all has to do with the fact that I’m still uncom­fort­able with con­tent­ment. It’s still an awk­ward feel­ing for me, some­thing that I’m not used to yet. Antipathy could change this, but I can’t bring myself to hate again.

My antipa­thy has mostly left me.

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January 4, 2003

Swingers Sets The Mood

It hasn’t been six months, but I still ain’t money.

I went to Aaron’s for new years yes­ter­day, and we played some euchre and Canadian Trivial Pursuit. My part­ner for both games, which was Karen’s brother, was much bet­ter than Aaron was for Karen, I’m sure. We ended up win­ning all matches for both games. Jacques…must still be exhausted. It’s good to know that I can still laugh so hard that my sides start to burn from hypoxia. There was much fun had by all.

Sometimes I read about a dis­or­der, and I start get­ting scared that I have it. I wish I wasn’t such a hypochondriac.

John’s com­ing over today. He’s dri­ving, so we’ll have the car for three days where I can do some heavy gro­cery shop­ping. I feel like I’m hav­ing too much fun, like I should be stock­ing up on a fruit­ful hol­i­day of enter­tain­ment in prepa­ra­tion for the com­ing term.

My first attempt­ing at cook­ing some­thing from the Naked Chef cook­book has been par­tially suc­cess­ful. I think the sub­sti­tu­tion of red wine instead of white cre­ated a sauce that was a lit­tle more tart than it should have been. The mush­rooms absorbed the flavour of the sauce, but didn’t retain much of their flavour. The thyme did give every­thing a unique taste, but I had no porcini so it feels like some­thing was miss­ing in the taste of the chicken.

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