It’s very hard for me to get someone out of my mind, once they are there. I have some very odd ideas. My mind starts to wonder.

I wish it was something that I could control better. It’s quite an embarrassing affliction. If anyone really knew what I was thinking, I don’t think they’d understand. I always use my imagination to fill in the blanks, and it ends up driving me nuts. It feels as if I need to imagine, in order to give myself hope, that my faith in humanity can be renewed. I end up being frustrated at myself, and jittery.

Something which only music can cure.

I went for some phở with Iain, Pat, Jason, and Mike on the week-end. I had a fucking great time. Mike is a great person to hang out with. I had Chinese BBQ pork with my noodles though, so I’m not sure if it can be classified as authentic phở.

I met Thom, Mel, Ryan, and Mel on the week-end. I’m still trying to figure out what I’ve done to deserve the company of such a great group of friends.

Thom is a good person to talk to. It turns out that we share the same interest and embarrasement in solo photography. We’ve agreed to go together some night. He’s given me some Slash’s Snakepit, Theatre Of Tragedy (which features some nice female vocals), Paradise Lost, and Tiamat music to sort through.

Aaron was also able to provide me with some Aphex Twin, Hooverphonic, Lamb, Morcheeba, Omni Trio, Supreme Beings of Leisure, St. Germain, Unkle, and Thievery Corporation to listen to. He accepted my MD player as a gift, but I made sure that he was comfortable with it.

It turns out that Ryan and I share some classes together too. He knows me as the person who plays GBA in class all day, and who gets dirty looks from the teacher as a result. I feel terribly bad knowing this. I always believed that my playing was unknown to those around me. I feel as if I’ve insulted some teachers who don’t deserve to be insulted. Of course, the majority of them deserve to have me playing in their faces at the front of the class with the sound cranked, but there are a few that I feel don’t deserve this. I’m still unrepentant about most of the situation though, since my game playing actually aids my concentration.

I went Christmas shopping with Aaron, Thom, and Mel on the weekend. An old lady told me that I looked like Sean Lennon. I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing. I found some great candles at the Body Shop with a scent called Snow. It’s a very neutral smelling scent that’s very inoffensive which I’ve been burning all day to aid in my studying.

Tonight is a night for Beth Gibbons and Glory Box.

A subject I find difficult to express myself about is that of freedom.

Freedom is a difficult thing to understand. In a relationship, freedom is always bounded by some constraint imposed when the relationship is first made. Yet freedom is a very general statement, even if narrowed down to the situation within a relationship.

The freedom I wish to speak about is that of dependence within a relationship. Freedom in this case is related to a sense of responsibility.

As a person, I find responsibilities to be detestable. I have always tried to avoid responsibilities in my life, and I do it well. The only thing that I am responsible for is myself, a fact that I’ve very willingly accepted, unlike others that I know.

However, in a relationship, I’ve always felt that one should be responsible for his or her better half. I’ve always believed that it should be a commitment when entering such a bond. Yet there is always the separation between being responsible for someone, and being forced to be with someone to serve their whim.

As a responsible person, it is one’s job to make sure that one is there if the other needs it. However, this other person must understand that whenever he or she feels this “need”, he or she should not interfere with the freedom allowed within the boundaries of the relationship.

A generic example may make things clearer. If a boyfriend wanted to spend some time at home on the weekend with his girlfriend, but his girlfriend wanted to go skiing for the weekend with her friends, then the male should not hinder the activities of the female, unless he was in distress, or in great need of company. If his demand for her time is too great and constantly smothering other activities she wishes to do, then he is not being a responsible person and respecting his partners’ wishes.

It has always seemed like such a selfish thing to me, to be inordinately demanding, or unsatisfiably clingy. It begins as a form of flattery, to be sure, but excessive constraints become a burden or strain on the relationship. One finds oneself constantly trying to please the other, without prevail.

I believe that such greediness stems from insecurity. When someone is insecure, he or she is scared that his or her partner is having too good a time, and will hence forget about the relationship. Perhaps jealously plays a part in such a vague subject, and serves as a more conscious manifestation of a subconscious feeling.

Of course, I am guilty of such selfishness myself at times, though I wish I wasn’t. I feel that I’ve improved, that I can respect the desires of other people, so that they may be free to do what they wish. Perhaps this is a sign of increased confidence in my relationships, that all I wish is for others to be happy.

A Nash equilibrium is a terrible thing.

I’ve never shaken while watching TV before. Yet today I shook, I trembled, I bit my nails. A special was on 31 today called Bushido: The Way of the Warrior. I’ve never been much of a fighting fan. Boxing has always boring, pro-wresting isn’t fighting at all, and UFC just never appealed to me. For some reason though, watching Bushido sucked me in. They had the best matches I’ve ever seen before, real or fake.

The final title was fought between two large Japanese warriors, and it was the one that really knocked the wind out of me. The match was extremely close, with one fighter being smaller than the other. The smaller one took a lot of leg hits in the beginning so was injured from the start. This disadvantage, as well as his size difference, cost him the match, but not before he pulled off a screaming, adrenalin rushing, sitting-on-the-guy’s-ass boston crab and injuring him. There was one point where he had the larger fighter by the feet when the larger fighter was belly up on the mat. They were both trying to feel each other out, the smaller one looking for a submission opening, and the larger one trying to anticipate the direction of the move. The hands of the smaller one were tied up with the leg holding, so his entire head was open to attack from his opponent, which he did. Every time the larger guy punched his face, he got psyched, and kept shouting for more. He managed to pull the submission off, but it was reversed and he eventually lost the match.

I always find it interesting to know that I can feel something different, that I can react in a way that I haven’t been known to before, that I can shake from a television programme. There are always things that I enjoy finding out about myself, because it feels like I’m not a static person, that there is the possibility of change in me. Sometimes I’m surprised at my own confidence, or even stunned at the cerebrality I’ve been able to gain.

If only my heart could change as well.