There’s always something creepy about talking to my professors. I feel like they have a face to put with my mark. As a number, none of my failures mean anything. But when I talk to one, I feel like I’m letting them down. I’m scared that they’ll know what my marks are, and that from then on they’ll recognize me as not going to class and failing the mid-terms. Usually I can’t stand e-mailing my profs. It has almost never been a pleasant experience.

I actually feel like I need to get drunk before going out this Friday. I’ve never felt like that before. Apparently, it’s one of the signs of alcohol abuse. I’ve only drank so that I could fall asleep a few times, which is another sign. It’s not a problem though, so I’m not worried.

Aaron showed me the cabin that we’re renting next year. It’s so damn sweet. The whole deal has been moved from reading week to some week-end in January, which should save us some money. Aaron’s going to let me borrow his board, and hopefully I’ll be able to fit into Greg’s boots, so that all I’ll really need to pay for is the lift ticket, the cabin, and the drinks, which should all be under $200.

I bought Aaron an MD player today. He’s been needing quite a few things, like his TV fixed, an aquarium, a new hard-drive, etc. so I thought I’d make it easier on him since his Discman just broke too. I’m not really sure what he’ll say though. I’ve learned a lot about gift giving within the last year, and I know that some people are very sensitive about it. A while ago, I never could have imagined someone refusing to accept a gift, unless there was a sinister purpose, such as a bribe. I always felt like it was rude if someone refused a legitimate gift.

I suppose it’s similar to the idea of hospitality. Can it ever be rude to refuse someone’s hospitality? Even if they spend an inordinate amount of time preparing for such a thing? I’ve come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be rude to decline an offer of hospitality. After all, it is the responsibility of the host to make sure that the guest is comfortable. If the guest refuses hospitality for whatever reason, then that should be fine. The host should be happy with whatever the guest is happy with.

It’s only with this example that I’ve come to understand the gift-giving idea as well. If someone refuses to accept a gift from me, I would be fine with that. I simply want to make the person happy.

Which is why I’m not worried to give Aaron such a gift. I won’t be offended in any way, no matter what his reaction is.

I can’t wait.

I’ve had a crazy day so far. I had to wake up early to get to class, which was difficult enough considering the fact that I stayed up later than normal working on my DNA essay yesterday. I’m supposed to write a six page summary on someone else’s research paper. I found a good one yesterday morning, so I worked on it for most of the day. About half-way through I found out that the paper wasn’t long enough. I’d only have enough material to write for about 2.5 pages. So I basically had to start over again at 8:30 pm. I found an even better one though; it’s longer and has less confusing linear algebra.

Then I had to do the cryptography presentation today. On the week-end I wrote most of the final report, which ended up being 17 pages once I was done with it. Dina should be adding a few more pages too. The entire project came together today for the presentation. We had to present to two TAs, and we ended up doing fairly well. Some presentations somehow lasted an hour…ours was only about ten minutes. Even the difficult TA said that we did a good job, which made me happy. We literally pulled it together at the last minute, while other groups were presenting.

I bought a Via six-pack today, which I’m guessing is only available to full-time students. My ISIC expires this December, so I need to get a new one or I’ll be stuck at home. John’s probably coming up on the 20th to stay for a few days, and he’ll drive me back. The only problem is getting back from there. I’m still a full-time student next semester, but one of the courses I need to register for doesn’t show on my timetable. Since that probably won’t be until the next school semester, I won’t be able to purchace an ISIC card until then, which I will need to use my six-pack. I tried to talk to my bitch of an academic advisor about the issue, but she gets every other day off, one of them being today.

A few days ago I had a strange feeling. The idea that I was a virus stuck in my head. Anything I came in contact with became infected.

It just seemed like anyone I’ve become close with has been hurt in some way. It felt as if all my relationships always take a turn for the worse, and it’s my fault. I’ll find some tiny, forgivable trait, and turn it into a detestable problem. I’ll close off. I’ll hurt someone.

Sometimes I think that I hurt people to test my boundaries, to know how much they care. Perhaps I’m so insecure in my relationships that I need to be sure about how someone feels about me.

It’s as if I try to be friends with people I want to offend, so that they will hurt me back in some way, like Travis Bickle. Perhaps I need to be hurt.

I constantly feel as if I don’t know how to love. It’s such a frighteningly scary idea. I wish I loved more. So many times I believe that I am experiencing love, only to realize that I’m not, that it was just a fleeting emotion. Perhaps I need to be hurt to know that I can love.

I’ve only truly loved once. Perhaps it was so intense, so passionate, that all other emotions feel numb in comparison.

Perhaps I simply don’t know what love is.

I just know that I don’t want to hurt anymore.

Sometimes people say things that just seem to hurt. One knows that they don’t mean it, yet it hurts anyway. For some reason, it’s even more painful, due to the ignorance involved. But what can one do in such a situation? Pretend as if nothing happened? I simply become antisocial. That happens a lot actually. When someone upsets me in any way, whether I become angry, sad, or forlorn, I’ll close up. I’ll distance myself, and I can’t help but be taciturn.

No wonder.

I got my cryptography mid-term back yesterday, and it turns out that I failed it. That means that I failed more than half my mid-terms. I’m starting to worry about my finals. I was actually considering my absence at Dougie’s LAN party, but Aaron (rather easily) talked me into going.