I took a ride with John when we were finished watching Pumpkin last week. In the last scene of the movie, she walks away from the camera, and gives a look back with confusion on her face. I couldn’t figure out the look, whether it was a silent chiding of the people who had scorned her throughout the movie, or whether she suddenly fully realized the extent to which her concupiscence had taken a hold of her. I tried to discuss it with John, but he dismissed the subject, telling me that I thought too much.

I wondered if it was true. Darren and I both perspicaciously noted that an icon like K-OS always seems to be trying too hard to be intelligent. It always seems like he’s trying to find a meaning in everything, or speak about something profound, almost as if it was his gimmick in being a musician.

The whole subject has made me very self-conscious about my thought pattern. Do I come off as an elitist asshole to other people, or as something that I have come to fear so greatly? I realized that I generally don’t care (or shouldn’t care, at least, as I’m only human). To be misunderstood is always a part of life, and misunderstanding is something that I’m guilty of as well when meeting new people. What matters to me is being understood by someone I respect, as seldom as that is. I’m able to tolerate what so many do so often, something that John has taught me well.

More to come of arbitration.

I haven’t been able to get any reading done. I stayed over at Aaron’s the night before, and we spent the night playing Gamecube and XBox with his brother. We went shopping and saw Lord of the Rings when we woke up a few hours later.

My parents bought me a great cookbook for Christmas, so I’ll be attempting a few recipes. Unfortunately, I can only try a few of the recipes, since most of them serve four or more. Jamie Oliver always seemed sexy in a dorky sort of way, until I realized that it was his mastery in the kitchen, and the loss of his mullet.

I’ve realized that listening to The Gentle Waves fills me with a sort of contentment and happiness. Their music is not bittersweet or trite, and somehow calming and moving at the same time. I think I might end up keeping their songs simply because I don’t have anything quite like them.

I’ve been in such a strange, undefinable mood lately. It feels like I’m apathetic to everything, while the future seems hopeful. It’s probably just a mixture of everything that happened in the last term, the odd ups and dysthymic downs.

Sometimes it feels like there’s too much to think about, too much to wonder about, too much to understand. It seems like I’ll never be able to catch up with all my thoughts. There are too many things that take me too long to know. Yet I’m still learning, or trying, at least, every day.

I wish I had all the time in the world to figure things out, to become wiser or more intelligent.

It would be worth it.

There’s something about good strong pressure in a shower nozzle. Without it, it seems like warmth is just coming over one’s body in some sort of diffuse, amorphous manner.

My last week has been busy. I spent almost every moment of my week at home doing something. I was tired a lot of the time, due to the sheer amount of stuff that I tried to get done.

Four of the days I hung out with John. I got him Metal Gear Solid 2 and Onimusha: Warlords 2 for Christmas. We watched Pumpkin and Adaptation. Pumpkin had some terrible aspects to it, such as acting, but also had some very poignant moments. I’m trying to get one of the scenes framed, but I doubt I’ll be able to get a high enough resolution to have the proper print quality. To me, the scene seems to speak of such an innocence, even in the face of foreseeable tragedy. It reminds me of the ignorance I have of people when I first meet them, that I have no idea what the person is like, good or bad. Adaptation was alright. I was expecting so much more from Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze, but I guess that even the master of originality can run out of ideas. Spike Jonze still did an amazing job though.

I stayed over at Darren’s for three days. We gamed and generally stayed up late. It was a lot of fun to be so tired. I saw Duets, which I felt had one really well developed relationship out of the three, which was a pity, since the entire movie was based on relationships. Everything just pulled together rather cheeply in the end. I also saw Dog Day Afternoon with him, starring Al Pacino. He did a powerful part, what many consider to be his best, but I still consider Scarface to be his most accomplished work.

I discovered a band called the Gentle Waves which have a frontwoman with an interesting singing style. I downloaded a few of their songs, since I was hooked on Falling From Grace, and it was reassuring to know that their songs don’t all sound the same like Mazzy Star when I discovered Fade Into You.

Over the entire week, I didn’t have the time to write a single entry. It was difficult because I felt like I had so much to say. Sometimes, something in a simple conversation will cause me to wonder, and I’ll need some time to think about what has been brought up.

I had the chance to experience some strong, uncerebral conviction from someone I, unfortunately, didn’t have much respect for. I imagine that it was caused by a refusal to understand anything outside of her frame of mind. She seemed so zealous in her opinion, so upset at any mention of the contrary, that any attempt to loosen her resolve proved to be more than fruitless.

It seemed as if she was making up for her ignorance in strength of opinion. In order to seem as if she was knowledgeable about the subject, she became extremely opinionated.

How can one argue with such a difficult person? My answer is simple; I don’t. Argument is something that I’ve given up on completely, in general. I now find discussion, as opposed to argument, to be an exercise in loquacity and conversation. At my age, it seems that most people have surpassed what Erikson believed to be the identity vs. role confusion stage. They have become confident in their beliefs, and there is little that can be done to show them a new view. Of course, there are always a few people who can keep a beautifully open mind, accepting the possibility of anything, perhaps something as adventurous as admitting they are wrong.

There always seems to be a fine line between someone who is opinionated for shallow, insecure reasons, and someone who is opinionated validly. Unless one attempts to understand both cases, they both seem the same.

The adventure becomes not the enlightenment of the former, but the distinction between the two.