I need to stop writing for an audience. It feels like I’m not being true to myself, that I can’t say what I want to say. Yet I do, somehow, in some equivocal manner.

The winter is so beautiful. Usually I study better at night, but when it’s winter time, and everything is white, I feel much more motivated during the day. It’s as if God finally realizes that the entire world is shit and covers it with a huge bleached tarp.

I bought Dolly a new toy on the week-end, and she loves it. It’s got a soft ball covered in fur on the end of an elastic string. She’ll try to take the ball where she wants by grabbing it in her jaws, but when the elastic stretches past its limit, the ball will rip out of her mouth and make her go even crazier. She plays with it until she’s tired, then she’ll lay down on the ground below where the ball lies, and just try to bat it with her paws.

I’ve been working on the new layout, and I completely scrapped the metallic idea. Pictures just didn’t seem to fit well in it. I actually have the final design done and created in html format. It allows for a better formatting of content, though it will take me more work. I’m not completely sure if I’m satisfied with it, but it will probably have to do since I generally have little content to work with.

Sometimes I start thinking, and then I realize what a fucking idiot I am, and that thought just sticks in my head. That happened for most of today.

I have to set up two laptops for these high up execs at work. One of them actually made a complaint about me and Aaron to my boss before. It’s hard to work for someone with this kind of history, but somehow I can just grin and bear it. I think that being stoic is something that I’ve learned very well from my childhood. An alarm went off in the building too, and we had to evacuate. My boss asked me if I wanted to get some beer and pizza, but I told him that I had too much work to do. The temptation was almost too great.

I’ve generally been neglecting my eating habits and my sleeping habits, and my schoolwork, even though I half-resolved not to. It’s good to know that no one cares. At least it’s honest. I know that I need much more balance in my life, and I think that it’s something I can achieve. It’s just been so hard with everything going on. Pat thinks that I should take a week off work. After all, it’s the reason why he quit the job in the first place. But he had a high maintenance girlfriend, and I had a negative maintenance one at the time.

There just seems to be so much reason for me to stay awake late at night.

John did get back together with Julia, much to my surprise. I can understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do, I make the choices I make. Sometimes I do understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I can’t comprehend it at all, as if some sinister force was guiding my hands towards self destruction.

Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don’t.

This would be much easier to deal with if I could be definite in my emotion. But I can’t. I always see both good and bad. I always know that pain can give pleasure. Yum.

So why I do it? Why do I punish myself like this? It can be controllable. Yet I can be so blinded as to lose this control, and my old instincts come back out. I hate. I hate very well.

But when hate subsides, what do I have left? I’m left a washed up shell of a person, torn up inside, never fulfilled.

Please hurt me.

I started fooling around with a new layout, something that can support more content and can better flex my creative muscles. I’ve come up with a metallic look so far, but it’s mostly been fruitless. I need something that I can just keep without having to update, so that this can be effortless.

I’m not sure if I’ll be getting the new Xzibit album. His lyrics seemed to have swayed from his first albums, and they have a more commercial feeling now, ever since Dre started producing his albums.

I got back another failing mid-term, which brings the total to two. I think I’ll be dropping Warcraft 3 until the term is over, because of all the pressure and time involved. It’ll give me time to do some more school work and other possible projects. If I had known that I would be failing that mid-term, I would have gone to a Guttermouth concert the night before, even though I hear their latest album is terrible.

I actually can’t sit through the entire Dirrty video; the girl with the Mexican wrestling mask makes me think of some cheap rip-off of Hewhocannotbenamed.

When Aaron and I talk, it always seems so quixotic. The only difference between us is that he actually believes in it, while I keep a more realistic mindset. I’m not sure what to believe, but I should decide soon, since I have freedom to move back home with John now. Six months is a very short time. I’m not really sure what to think, since everything is up in the air. The main priority would be job opportunities. It would be great to live with John though, since we’ve known each other for so long, and we haven’t been roommates once yet. It would all fit in, since Pita is thinking about moving out in the summer. The problem with my plans with Aaron not working out is that I’d only have myself to blame. Aaron can’t be held responsible for anything.

I have two group projects going, and only one of them is working out. I don’t think some people realize how rude and horrible it is to redo the work of others, simply because it’s not up to the standards of the former. I hope I never do that to someone.

For once, I need this.

I just received (within 10 minutes) a one page letter denying my application to become a Big Brother. It greatly, greatly saddens me. I wish I knew why they decided this, but they aren’t at liberty to discuss it. I actually had to sign something acknowledging that if I was rejected, I wouldn’t know why, if the organization chose not to tell me.

I’ll always wonder why I was not allowed this opportunity. I thought I’d be good at it, but I’m sure that this committee of people know better than I. After all, I have little experience with younger people. I just wish someone could understand how much this would have meant to me.

I wonder if it could be my maturity. If it could be my time restraints. My relationship with my parents. My being a good hater. Could it be that they feel my motives are out of selfishness? Could it be that one of my references gave me a bad reputation? Or simply that I’m not the right kind of person for the job? I really have no idea, since I believe that I gave an extremely good impression at the interview.

I always believed that my experience with parenting would help me become a good parent myself. Many people whom I’ve spoken to believe this of me as well. Yet, the idea of having children of my own still scares me. It’s the idea that I am in control of someone else’s life, when I believe that my own life will always be full of entropy. What happens to my child if I ever got divorced? What happens if I ever died? So many uncertainties make the whole idea very frightening.

I also don’t believe I have the capacity to love in this manner. It’s not a paternal emotion that I have been able to develop or learn. I have my reasons.

The subject of kids has always been present in my relationships, and it’s usually been a source of conflict.

About three years ago I came upon a site called WebMD. It’s a pretty good resource for health issues, and psychology issues. One of their events was a chat session with a parenting expert, and I couldn’t help but try to ask a question that I had been asking myself at the time. The transcript can be found here (my name was jesterz_webmd).

At the time, I felt like her answer was quite unconventional.

Then again, I was only 19 on the time.