For some reason, after yesterday, guilty pleasures don’t feel so guilty anymore.

Well, things just can’t get any better.

Yesterday I found out that my contract, which expires in December, will most likely not be renewed. This could mean that I will be out of a job when I graduate, since my position will be filled by a full-time employee. If things get busier at the office, then I might be asked to come back again. Until then, I might not know. The availability of a full-time position will not be known until next years budgeting comes around, which is usually around March.

This afternoon, I also found out that my grandmother passed away. I didn’t find out any of the details, which is one of the few times that I’m glad of my ignorance. It saddens me that I didn’t get to see her one last time, to show her that I cared about her, the next opportunity being within a months time. Yet she didn’t last the wait, and my chance, twice passing, has been missed. My parents will be attending the ceremonies by flying to Hong Kong on Tuesday. I haven’t cried yet, and I probably won’t.

And apparently, according to some Chinese tradition, the death of a loved one means that one cannot visit any other family members within 49 days of the death. Which means that I won’t be able to go to Hong Kong for Christmas vacation, something which I’ve been looking forward to with unspeakable pleasure. The tradition is not something that I would generally honour, given the circumstances, but since it is important to my other grandmother, I easily, stoically abide by the rules of the funeral ceremony.

I will miss the Christmas lights and spirit, the cooler, more tolerable weather. I will miss my chance to purchase a much needed leather jacket, to buy presents for my friends, to do some much needed relaxation.

But what can I do? Feel sorry for myself? I believe that this is the worst string of news I’ve ever had. There just doesn’t seem to be any act I can accomplish to make this pain go away, except for talking about it. So many things have fallen apart within the last 24 hours, so many things being changed. There just doesn’t seem to be much to live for right now, since I generally tend to simply live day-to-day.

It’s hard for me to understand what I should be thinking or feeling right now. Everything just seems so numb. I guess things have just come so suddenly, and caught me by surprise.

I’m really at a loss for words.

Somehow, I did manage to fall asleep in class today, and it was great. I felt much better the rest of the day.

I’ve been racking my brain over a question on one of my assignments. I haven’t worked this hard on one question the whole term, but I did manage to solve the problem. I eventually had to e-mail my prof to get some help, and she was extremely helpful.

I finally watched through the end of Safe. Parts of it made me very angry. Parts of it made me feel very sick. There was a great lack of emotion in the film. I felt as if it was supposed to come from the audience. When some characters did become emotional, it was very interesting. It’s not really my choice of subject matter, but I found it to be a movie which was well put together.

I’m pleased with the way my story came out on Sunday. I feel that it portrays the situation in a proper manner, which is the most significant part. It always seems as if my best work is accidental, and that I don’t actually have any talent, just some good luck.

I realized a little while ago that I respect self-understanding much more than self-confidence. It’s such a pity, because many people I know have much more of the latter than the former. I use the words self-understanding in an almost contradictory manner, though one can be both. I see it as an understanding of one’s faults and one’s limits. I use these words in this manner because I find that one whom is blind to one’s faults is someone who has little or no self-understanding.

When someone has little self-understanding, it almost angers me. The ignorance involved is a very difficult thing for me to comprehend. If someone refuses to admit to his or her faults, or perhaps is aware of them but refuses to change them, then I see them as being very childish. And childishness, of course, is something that bothers me greatly.

I usually find that an open-minded person is very aware of his or her faults. Perhaps I simply associate a lack of open-mindedness with self-ignorance, though I haven’t seen much evidence to the contrary.

My experience with this idiotic characteristic has made me bitter. I seem to have lost much faith in the human race, something that I realized even longer before this. It has left me alone, with few people I can truly feel comfortable with, or respect.

Maybe it’s better this way.

My schedule hasn’t been too hectic lately (in fact, it’s been fairly relaxing), but that will change within the week. I have two assignments due in six days time, which I haven’t started yet. I should probably start studying for exams, but that most likely won’t happen anytime soon.

My work has expressed interest in hiring me for a full-time position once I graduate. Most people would be hired for a CS-01 position, but since I’ve been working there already, and I would have a university diploma by then, I would most likely be hired as a CS-02. There’s great difference in annual pay between the two, and a CS-02 has a pay range that’s simply amazing for a new graduate. It’s very close to my goal in terms of salary, something that I believed that I would have to work a few decades to achieve. This makes me happy.

On the other hand, Aaron’s contract won’t be renewed, which sucks because we’ll hardly have any time to see each other otherwise. He just seems to be too busy to do anything with. He’s the type of friend who would want me to tell him about any problems between us, but I’m afraid that this isn’t really his problem. I don’t feel that I have the right to demand so much of his time, since I know that he’s a busy person, with important things to do.

I saw two more of Hayao Miyazaki’s films, called Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind, and Princess Mononoke. I felt that both of them weren’t quite as good as Laputa: Castle in the Sky, but still reflected Miyazaki’s amazing writing and directing ability. Somehow his animations are able to make me feel happy without feeling cheap. Both of the movies feature the music of Joe Hisaishi, whom I feel is a terribly good composer. He truly creates beautiful music which complements both mood and vision.