Well, things just can’t get any better.

Yesterday I found out that my con­tract, which expires in December, will most likely not be renewed. This could mean that I will be out of a job when I grad­u­ate, since my posi­tion will be filled by a full-time employee. If things get busier at the office, then I might be asked to come back again. Until then, I might not know. The avail­abil­ity of a full-time posi­tion will not be known until next years bud­get­ing comes around, which is usu­ally around March.

This after­noon, I also found out that my grand­mother passed away. I didn’t find out any of the details, which is one of the few times that I’m glad of my igno­rance. It sad­dens me that I didn’t get to see her one last time, to show her that I cared about her, the next oppor­tu­nity being within a months time. Yet she didn’t last the wait, and my chance, twice pass­ing, has been missed. My par­ents will be attend­ing the cer­e­monies by fly­ing to Hong Kong on Tuesday. I haven’t cried yet, and I prob­a­bly won’t.

And appar­ently, accord­ing to some Chinese tra­di­tion, the death of a loved one means that one can­not visit any other fam­ily mem­bers within 49 days of the death. Which means that I won’t be able to go to Hong Kong for Christmas vaca­tion, some­thing which I’ve been look­ing for­ward to with unspeak­able plea­sure. The tra­di­tion is not some­thing that I would gen­er­ally hon­our, given the cir­cum­stances, but since it is impor­tant to my other grand­mother, I eas­ily, sto­ically abide by the rules of the funeral ceremony.

I will miss the Christmas lights and spirit, the cooler, more tol­er­a­ble weather. I will miss my chance to pur­chase a much needed leather jacket, to buy presents for my friends, to do some much needed relaxation.

But what can I do? Feel sorry for myself? I believe that this is the worst string of news I’ve ever had. There just doesn’t seem to be any act I can accom­plish to make this pain go away, except for talk­ing about it. So many things have fallen apart within the last 24 hours, so many things being changed. There just doesn’t seem to be much to live for right now, since I gen­er­ally tend to sim­ply live day-to-day.

A part of me wishes that some­one truly cared. A part of me wishes that I felt much, much worse. A part of me wishes that some­one could under­stand what is going through my mind. Most of me wishes that some­one would help make the pain go away.

It’s hard for me to under­stand what I should be think­ing or feel­ing right now. Everything just seems so numb. I guess things have just come so sud­denly, and caught me by surprise.

I’m really at a loss for words.