John did get back together with Julia, much to my surprise. I can understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do, I make the choices I make. Sometimes I do understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I can’t comprehend it at all, as if some sinister force was guiding my hands towards self destruction.

Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don’t.

This would be much easier to deal with if I could be definite in my emotion. But I can’t. I always see both good and bad. I always know that pain can give pleasure. Yum.

So why I do it? Why do I punish myself like this? It can be controllable. Yet I can be so blinded as to lose this control, and my old instincts come back out. I hate. I hate very well.

But when hate subsides, what do I have left? I’m left a washed up shell of a person, torn up inside, never fulfilled.

Please hurt me.