Monthly Archives: November 2002

Test Update, A Nietzsche Quote, And Racial Profiling

Why do I feel the need to write again so soon? Why can’t I just live one more day with­out hav­ing to tell my thoughts to some­thing, any­thing that will accept with­out judg­ment? Sometimes I wish that I couldn’t write for months.

I think I passed my DNA Computing and Quantum Computing test today. It turns out that I was miss­ing about 1/4 of the notes, so I really had to do some last minute study­ing. The prof made it fairly easy though, which I was glad to see.

I stum­bled across some Taoist teach­ings today, and I was intrigued by what I read. I think it’s some­thing that I’ll have to research more, along with my Buddhist beliefs and Confucianism.

Women are quite able to make friends with a man; but to pre­serve such a friend­ship — that no doubt requires the assis­tance of a slight phys­i­cal antipathy.

—Nietzsche

When I first read this, I wasn’t too sure about the valid­ity of it, or per­haps even the valid­ity per­tain­ing to myself. In the last month, how­ever, it seems to be so true that any con­sid­er­a­tion of the pos­si­bil­ity to the con­trary would be ridiculous.

Today, some­one told me that ever since she first met me, she thought I was Korean. It was pretty sur­priz­ing, since this girl was Chinese her­self. It’s the first time I’d ever been mis­taken for Korean, although peo­ple often con­fuse my last name as being Vietnamese. Do we really all look the same? Well, since even I failed the test, I sup­pose it’s true.

The Current State of Lonliness

I’ve real­ized that, for some rea­son, I’m always, con­stantly seek­ing the approval of oth­ers. It’s some­thing that’s become a part of me, although I know that I’m able to deal with the times when I can get no approval whatsoever.

I hate this about myself. It feels so damn cheap and shal­low. It can bother me so much to know that some­one doesn’t like me, or some­thing that I’ve done.

My under­stand­ing of the rea­son why I’m like this is that my pre­vi­ous major rela­tion­ships have all hurt me in the sub­ject of accep­tance. It has affected me so much that it’s some­thing that I can’t get over. I need accep­tance to ful­fill a child­hood void.

I adore praise. My mind accepts it like a vac­uum. I let it affect me, and I don’t care. It’s some­thing that I need.

When praise leaves me, then I feel like I’m left alone, with no one who can under­stand any­thing that I do. It feels like there’s no accep­tance, like every­one hates my being.

And with this I go to sleep.

Conditioner, Moon Mix, Test, Music

I always get freaked out when on I put on con­di­tioner. I hear things about it being car­cino­genic if you leave it in your hair for extended peri­ods of time, or if you don’t wash it out cor­rectly. The bot­tle says to leave it in for one to three min­utes. And what if I leave it in there for longer? Will my scalp start to sting, or my hair start to fall out? It just leaves my hair so soft and man­age­able that I can’t stop using it.

Today was the first time I got to try out my moon mix, since it got dark so early, with every­thing I looked at being lit with arti­fi­cial light. It worked so well, and I’m pleased that I was able to pick out so many of the right songs on the first try, although a few rogue songs some­how man­aged to slip in there.

I have a test in DNA Computing and Quantum Computing tomor­row that I should be study­ing for, but I don’t under­stand a sin­gle thing since the last test. Being that I have no other classes tomor­row, I plan on study­ing for the whole day until my test, which is at 5:30 pm. I hope I can under­stand every­thing by then.

I’ve down­loaded a shite­load of Dir En Grey and King Crimson songs. It’s tak­ing me a while to get a feel for most of them, but so far I can tell that Dir En Grey isn’t quite my thing in terms of musi­cal tastes, although I’ve put two of their songs in my per­ma­nent col­lec­tion. King Crimson seems to be bet­ter; it’s hard for me to tell because their songs are all so diverse (I imag­ine so after a few mem­ber changes) that it’s hard for me to decide whether I like them as a band or not. I’ve also made sure to keep a few of their songs, such as Epitaph and I Talk to the Wind.

New

Things feel very dif­fer­ent right now. I know that every­thing is always chang­ing, every­thing is con­stantly mov­ing, and that no mat­ter how sta­tic my life seems at the time, my mind is always work­ing. I begin to see things quite dif­fer­ently. I’m really not sure how to explain it. For some rea­son, my thoughts begin to come around full cir­cle every six months or so. My mind is never at the same place I am.

It’s an odd real­iza­tion, to know that I’ve changed so much, yet so lit­tle within the last six months. I remem­ber telling Sam one time when I was 15 that I prob­a­bly wouldn’t change from the way I was back then. How wrong I was. There has been noth­ing but change, change that I can only see long after it has passed. I look back on what I was like in first year, and I become so embarrassed.

And now things feel so odd, as if I’ve never been in such a sit­u­a­tion before, as if I’m look­ing through a new pair of eyes, yet kept my old expe­ri­ences. It’s such a hard sit­u­a­tion to define, since I feel like I can never truly under­stand it until is over, like the dead in Dante’s Inferno.

None of this feels familiar.