Is when the overscore music breaks into “I’m All Out of Love” by Air Supply.

I live so close to my campus and to my work that I can go home between classes and work. Every time I step outside, my mood changes. In the morning, I’m reminded of the gray skies above the emerald green UCC football fields I would look up to as I waited for a ride, or hung out with John. Usually I try to put on my Bittersweet Mix, and sometimes it fits. Other times, I’ll put on my Sad Mix, and it fits as well.

In the afternoon, the sun comes out, and spreads its’ rays across the street, reminding me of a time I sat in a library, the sky-light giving me the suns rays through dust and the smell of old print. The Total Annihilation soundtrack fits so perfectly, with its’ sometimes agressive, sometimes calm movements.

At night, everything feels familiar, and I put on my Moon Mix or my Breathe playlist. I feel nothing but familiar. I’ve already experienced everything I could at night.

I can see that my overall outlook is changing. Before, I would scorn the sunlight, and cast my eyes downward, wishing for a cloudy sky. Now, I know what happiness feels like. I had finally experienced it, and destroyed it simply by being me. I’m not sure if I actually want to feel it again. It’s something that’s just too much trouble.

My friend asked me once if I had any advice about dating. She believed that everyone just wants to be happy, no matter what trouble, a Freudian, I’m sure.

I told her not to fall in love.

I don’t really know what to say. I’m just generally feeling shitty. I can’t concentrate on my homework, I’m slacking off at work, and I have lots to do. I didn’t know I had an assignment due today, so I handed in some rough work of about a quarter of the assignment. I actually had the whole thing done, but I didn’t bring it to class. Then I have a mid-term tomorrow, for which I’ve only studied about an hour, worth 30% of my final mark. I just can’t seem to concentrate on anything. So I painted my nails black today.

People sometimes ask me why I do it. Whenever I tell them, they never understand, which wouldn’t bother me so much, if they would actually try to understand. But people just judge, and never question. Fuck.

This is such a grand topic for me that I don’t believe I will be able to go into sufficient depth today, but I will try.

Ignorance is something that pains me. When someone is ignorant, I can usually deal with it. After all, what can one expect of the world? However, when someone tries to push their ignorance on me, not only by patronizing me, but by being so zealous in their beliefs as to not accept anything else, then it troubles me. Well, first it enrages me, but when that subsides, I am troubled.

I always ask myself, “How can you be so ignorant? How can you understand nothing, and yet be so firmly planted in your beliefs? How is it that otherwise, you’re a likable person?”.

Something that comes into play is my need to be humble. Humility is something that is very important to me. I believe in only stating my opinions when they’re asked of me. That’s probably because it’s very rarely that people accept my opinions, and usually I’ll see it as wasted time when I try to explain something, and someone will refuse to see it.

My titanium ring serves as a reminder. Whenever I feel the urge to speak out, I’ll subconsciously adjust it on my finger, and remember that speaking out is not a good thing. It’s a very simple ring, without any designs or patterns, except for a pale gold band in the middle. It cost me a current months salary, due to the difficulty in forging titanium in an oxygen free environment, but seems as simple as a modest band. A symbol in itself.

When someone just astonishes me with their stupidity, the need to speak can be very overwhelming. I find that I can control it now though, that my patience has increased. It would be great if people could understand me. There are only a few people who truly do. It would make my urge to speak subside. I believe this urge stems from a cognitive need to be understood.

Instead, I have to deal with ignorance, people not accepting anything past their experiences or past their own fallibility. It’s something that once cost me a stable relationship.

But it was worth it.

I’m very tired. For some reason, I’ve been sleeping pretty well though. I guess long days just tire me out. I think I’ll turn in early tonight, and work on my assignments tomorrow.

She loves to watch me play Starcraft, or play hide-and-seek under the bed. She loves to clean herself on my lap, then nap there. She loves her tuna flavoured cat food, and her two mousies (I think I’ll name them Mutius and Quintus, after Titus’ two sons, whom Titus believes were pray to Rome).

I felt troubled this week-end, something that I’m not prone to feeling. I usually feel love or hate, with not much in between. And being one who can expect anything, like two sons killing their father, being troubled troubles me.