I was able to accomplish nothing school related today. I’m just too damn tired. Eight and a half hours of work, followed by three hours of class. I did get a free pizza out of it though…the informatics department was celebrating a database transfer, and ordered too much pizza, so they considered that I was a student and gave me one. Not too shabby.

I found out that redheads need 20% more anesthetic than most people, because they are more sensitive to pain, or less susceptible to the anesthetic.

I got home and Dolly was just crazy with energy. The poor kitty had no one to play with her all day, and she lost her toys — again — so she probably slept most of the day. I found one in the coat closet, so I played with her as much as I could before I got tired and hungry.

I stumbled across Jenny the Lam’s page today, and was pleasantly surprised. It’s refreshing to have entries that aren’t just rants (ha! I’m such a hypocrite), but with some thought behind them as well. I’ve always enjoyed the naked way she seems to express herself, but she seems to have gained some more depth to her writings. It’s given me much to think about, which is an extremely good thing.

I believe my grandmother is dying. I don’t have many details, as I haven’t been well informed (though I’m not sure that I want to be). I tried to visit about three months ago, but my work and circumstances prevented me from going. I’m going to Hong Kong this Christmas, which should be amazing, and hopefully I’ll be able to see my grandmother one last time. When I spoke to her on the phone, which is always as awkward as ever, she sounded very light-headed. My mother told me that she sounded more healthy than before.

I once talked to Ms. Patricia ______ (I can’t believe I forget her last name) about my grandparents. I told her that I always felt like I loved my grandparents, and that I was always worried about their well-being, even though I never really had a life with them. They briefly raised me when I was too young to remember much. I have always wondered whether I would cry if they should die. One can always say that one won’t cry, but when the situation arises, things can be quite different.

I also told her that I hoped that they would die at a time that was convenient for me. This worried her. I asked myself, “Is this really what I wish? Will I feel differently when the time comes? Have I truly become so cerebral, so engulfed in a Lermontovian nihilism, that I can say such a thing?”. I’m not even sure if this is something I should be ashamed of. I mean, these are people that I’m not close to. Is it possible to love someone simply by blood? I believe it is; I know people who only know how to love by blood. However, it is not possible for me. In fact, blood has no bearing on what I feel for a person. I wish I could even begin to understand this. I believe that my grandparents love me. I feel it in the way that they look at me, the way they treat me. I always wonder if anyone else has the same confusion. Do I love them as they love me?

I can’t tell.

Fucking right. I’m having another mug of savory Hong Kong style milk tea. I wish they just made this stuff in cans, instead of having to go to make it every time. Of course, I bet that too much of this would be deleterious in some way or another.

John broke up with Julia today. Quite the big news. The incident closest to this in scale within the last year for both of us would have to be him winning in the SAC elections. At one point, Julia actually called me, and wanted to know what I knew. It felt a little awkward. Omertà.

I’ve been neglecting Moby Dick lately, and I always feel guilty about neglecting my literature. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only productive thing that I can do with my life, since it’s one of the only things that I actively do to improve myself. It’s something that I just forget about sometimes, when I’m caught in the midst of mid-terms and assignments.

I’ve even been neglecting a lot of games. I haven’t played any Supermario Sunshine, Eternal Darkness, or even Neverwinter Nights lately. The most game time I’ve been getting has been in class with my GBA. I’ve lost touch with my gaming roots. It’s like I need a new gateway game to suck me right back in again. I really enjoy SMS and Warcraft 3, to be sure, but nothing that really captures my attention for more than an hour at a time.

Sometimes I feel comfortable with a certain type of people. They make fun of people, use the word “gay” in a derogative way, and just generally seem very ignorant. I suppose I feel comfortable in their presence because I was once like this, though this doesn’t mean that I enjoy their company. It’s just so common nowadays though, that it can’t be avoided. People who are so damn ego-centric that they can’t see past their own worlds, who believe that anything they think should be the truth, who don’t understand (and don’t try to understand) anything but what they’ve experienced. People don’t think before they speak, using the word “psycho” in an inappropriate manner, or saying “like” on an average of three times every sentence. Sometimes it pains me; of the younger girls that I know, the word “like” is more common than the word “the”. What happens when these people grow up? Of course, I already know this. Nothing. After all, I find that there are as many immature adults as there are immature children. Sometimes I just feel like saying, “Grow the fuck up! Stop acting like a child!”. Not very promising when what I’m hoping for is a world of more mature people as I grow older, something I’m sure that John, being the most precocious guy that I know, has been dealing with for the last 22 years of his life.

Can one truly choose his or her friends? Perhaps our friends really do choose us.

That would explain a lot.

These titles are getting rather vague, which can be a good thing I suppose. They sort of remind me of the way Tool names their tracks (Sober, Parabola, H., Stinkfist), which is sort of an equivocal, general statement on what their subject matter covers. After all, Stinkfist is great song on fisting and societal standards. I’m still unsure as to what my favorite song of all time would be, but that one is definitely within the top 5.

I had a great night, feasting on Prime chicken thighs simmered in a cream of mushroom sauce on a bed of rice. I tried out a new cider, called Blackthorn, which I find is very similar to Strongbow, with a drier taste. I’m still finishing my Hong Kong milk tea as I write this, made with condensed milk, of course. Best served very, very strong. I couldn’t find any of the Rickshaw brand, so I went to a medicine store in the middle of Chinatown and bought half a kilogram there from a sweet old Chinese woman. It was the first time in my life that I had to use my knowledge of the Chinese language, as I guessed she didn’t have a practical knowledge of English.

I found another Dears song called No Return, which just sounds so great. It truly follows the form of their “orchestral pop noir romantique” style, whereas some of their songs don’t. Blood Roses by Tori Amos is pretty good too, as I enjoy the sound of a harpsichord (though my version of Aria from Goldberg Variations is piano), if it didn’t have what I feel is too dissonant a vocal part near the end.