I never did express any resolution on my jealousy situation. After thinking about the situation for a while, I realize that I can still be a jealous person. It’s almost as if I now know that I’m human. “Still, it’s nice to know I’m capable of tears!”, Lermontov’s character, Pechorin, tells us.

I’m not quite sure if this is a good thing or not. After all, I spent a good deal of my early consciousness trying to become a completely cerebral person. I haven’t been entirely successful, after all, I’m human, but I do believe that I have achieved a degree of logic that I can be content with. It makes me wonder how Lermontov, as we can see through his character, can be so “evil” a person. As he admits, much of his character’s traits are based on his own.

I simply wish that my mind and judgment wouldn’t be so clouded as it had been on that day. It’s a little scary, not knowing in what terrible way I can act out in.

I once met someone who was in total control of his emotions. In this way, he could feel when he wanted. This allowed him to lose himself in a greatly touching movie, but also gave him a control of any negative emotions he may experience. I looked up to this person greatly, something that I wish I could say was more common in the people that I know. It seemed like such an amazing ability, although many people whom I express this to disagree.

And I still haven’t decided whether I disagree as well.

It reminded me of home, when I would walk back from Ashley’s house on the shining pavement.

I got 14 hours of sleep today, and I still feel a little drowsy. My exhaustion must be catching up to me.

I figured out that I have four mid-terms and three assignments due next week. I really should be working harder. I got today off both work and school, since it’s a school holiday, and I made up my work hours on Tuesday. I was only able to finish one assignment today, since I generally just felt lackadaisical.

It’s amazing to find out what people blame for their misfortunes. The latest sniper killings have the Washington Post going on about how the deaths are computer game related, the connection between “I am god” to “god mode” in games. I wish people would understand that anything can cause someone to murder, and that it’s not popular culture that simply leads someone to take a life, it’s most likely a mental heatlh issue that develops without relation to a game. Popular culture may provide an idea for a method of murder, but the idea that a game can spark someones willingness to kill seems completely ridiculous to me.

I had an intense interview with my Big Brother caseworker, Stephanie, today. It lasted for three hours, and the questions ranged from whether I had firearms in my apartment, to what my relationship with my parents is like, to what I dislike about people. It’s quite a long process, and candidates are very stringently chosen. I first had to fill out an application form, fill out a police report form, and give them three references. They then send my references a questionnaire each, then interview me. They also need to interview Pita, to make sure that my apartment is a suitable environment for a little brother to spend time in. Stephanie told me that they have to reject quite a few candidates, based on the grounds of immaturity, improper lifestyle, or even health issues, for example. After all, both the organization and the big brother are responsible for the safety of the child.

It’s odd that this will be such a test of my responsibility. I always believed that I would be the one to dictate what I was ready for. After all, after months of consideration, I did decided to adopt a cat, even when I held back while people were encouraging me to. I don’t believe that there would be any other reason for being declined as a candidate. My suitability as a big brother will be determined by a board of people, and it will be the greatest test of my maturity to date. It will be quite objective, of course, since I have no part in the decision making.

So why am I not nervous? Could it be that I am finally gaining some confidence? I did ad-lib the interview, and I feel that I answered the questions very well. Perhaps I simply realize that I answered everything to the best of my ability, and that I can’t change the outcome when it arrives. Or simply that, although this would be a great experience for me, it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out.

I think I can opt for all three.

I feel exhausted even though I got about five hours of sleep. I stayed up playing Warcraft 3 last night, and ended on a great note, cause Darren and I were able to defeat two members of clan n1, of which both members have win-loss ratios of about 90%. It ended their 26 game winning streak.

I saw something two days ago that made me wish I carried a camera on me all the time. I was taking the bus east towards home, when I saw outside, right next to a bus stop sans the shelter, two adorable blond girls who seemed to have settled down on a cement curb. They both seemed quite content there, clinging to their thin jackets against the cool six degree wind. I guessed that they were about 12 or thirteen years of age, though I wasn’t sure if they were homeless, as they were dressed in a very neutral manner. The thing that made the situation seem oddly poignant was the fact that one was holding a Chinese rice box open in one hand, with a pair of chopsticks in the other hand, while the other would point to morsels of food, and would consequently be fed by the steady hand holding the chopsticks. For some reason, it really struck a chord with me, and I wish that I had the ability to capture such a delicate moment. I could see it in black and white, not in sepia.

I’m going to watch Safe tonight, with the beautiful Julianne Moore, and her irresistable titian hair.

Dolly is becoming more comfortable with me, as she’ll sometimes crawl under my covers and nestle between my ankles. She’s even slept on me a few times. One time I woke up and found her hugging my arm. She purrs all the time; when she’s on my lap, when I’m feeding her yummy food, or even when I’m playing with her. Glad, I am, to have found such a comfortable kitty.

Aaron told me that he didn’t think I was spoiled today. I was a bit surprised, since even I think I’m spoiled to an extent. I realize that I take many of the privileges I have for granted, but I’m always thankful of the financial freedom that I’ve been given. We seem to be able to talk for hours on end, and it’s worth getting in trouble at work for it.

One thing that we discussed was the rules about acceptable dating habits. The rules that he follows are difficult for me to understand. One seemingly universal rule is that you can never date a friend’s sister. It’s hard for me to understand something like this, because I’ve never had siblings of any kind. I think that the problem would lie in whether a break-up would happen; where would one’s loyalty lie, since you’re so close to both people? I believe that if both parties are mature enough, they will be able to remain friends after something like that should happen. I realize that it may not always work out that way, but I believe that the decision of the risk would be up to the friend and the sister.

He also told me that he would never date any of his friends’ ex-girlfriends, and that it was an unspoken rule among his friends as well. I guess the rule seems very rigid to me, as I’m sure there should be exceptions, such as who was at fault, and why they broke up.

There just seem to be so many rules that people follow, good or bad. I know some girls who won’t date guys shorter than them. I can’t even begin to comprehend this; it just seems so amazingly shallow, or perhaps I’m just oversensitive about my lack of height. I also know Chinese girls who won’t date Chinese guys. The only explanation I can find for this is that a girl may not like the Chinese culture, so they associate Chinese guys with this. Yet how can every Chinese guy be completely set in the Chinese culture? The explanation just doesn’t seem to work.

One of my Caucasian ex’s said that she would never date a white guy, because they always seem so shallow. I was offended because I wouldn’t be dating her, had I simply inhabited pale skin. She realized that she was wrong to simply associate white guys with being shallow, based on her past experiences.

An interesting point that I once discussed with Aaron was whether Caucasian girls found Asian guys attractive the way Caucasian guys find Asian girls attractive. We came to the conclusion that, no, they do not. It lies in the fact that the mongoloid race has a generally slimmer build, something which guys find attractive in girls, but something which girls sure as hell don’t find attractive in guys.

It’s a good thing that I’ve given up for now.