It seems so weird that I can pick up friends so well, and the ones I want to keep are always too busy for me, but the ones I can’t stand, are the ones whom I can’t get rid of. It seems like such a theme in my life, even in my relationships. I suppose that I can’t pick my friends, which means that I’m doomed to a life of loneliness (something that I believe I’ve already come to terms with), except for John, whom I can have a great time with. I mean, I have some of the most fucked up relationships ever.

There may be one explanation, which I hope is not true. It’s very subconscious, and very hard to explain. But I hope it’s not true. I would be an asshole if it was true, and I would deserve to be alone.

Being alone makes things so much simpler. I mean, my life is much less complex when I think about it. It’s quite a good feeling to not be dependent on anything. One would have the freedom to commit suicide without worrying about anyone caring. One has no responsibilities to anyone.

Will you be my friend? No, of course not.

What a fucking bad day.

Today was generally a shitty, low self-esteem day. I was left out or left behind three times. I needed some Anger Management, with a lot of my Fuck Off playlist to get through the day. Perhaps I’ll write a more heartening entry later tonight, after I’ve had a nice shower, a hot meal, and some Strongbow. My Fuck Off playlist is as follows.

• Coal Chamber — Sway
• Coal Chamber — Unspoiled
• Coal Chamber — Loco
• Coal Chamber — Oddity
• Korn — Reclaim My Place
• Korn — Justin
• Korn — Pretty
• Marilyn Manson —1996
• Marilyn Manson — Angel With the Scabbed Wings
• Marilyn Manson — Irresponsible Hate Anthem
• Marilyn Manson — Tourniquet
• Deftones — 7 Words
• Kittie — Brackish
• Slipknot — Wait and Bleed
• Godsmack — Whatever
• Refused — New Noise
• Deftones — My Own Summer (Shove It)
• Pantera — 5 Minutes Alone
• Tool — Jerk
• Fear Factory — Edgecrusher
• Marilyn Manson — The Reflecting God
• Tool — Hooker with a Penis
• Marilyn Manson — The Beautiful People
• Marilyn Manson — Mister Superstar
• Marilyn Manson — Dried Up, Tied, and Dead to the World
• Korn — Dead Bodies Everywhere
• Korn — It’s On!
• Korn — Got the Life
• Papa Roach — Last Resort

I took out Freak on a Leash because it just doesn’t have the hard hitting refrain that I need when I’m really pissed off, although I suppose the cadenza in the middle where Jonathan Davis goes crazy is some relief from people I just can’t seem to deal with.

So I got home, to an empty apartment, thank god, opened up a can of Strongbow, and started writing. It’s fairly rare that such a day happens, I’m glad to say, in contrast to other poeple I know, who happen to have bad days when they stub their toe, or when they get too many calls from their friends during the day. That just pisses me off. Blah, don’t get me started.

The highlight of my day was a marble glazed donut with chocolate cream filling.

I feel anti-social today, which is not good, considering the fact that I have to go to a concert with people I know.

This seems to be a feeling that follows me around a lot. As Pita said yesterday, I become disappointed when people don’t meet my expectations. I suppose I have lost a lot of faith in the human race, but can I be blamed for that? And many, many people don’t meet my expectations. That’s fine, I guess, since I’d rather be alone than with people that piss me off.

And so I write here again, in hidden meanings, about things I can’t seem to deal with, about the world in general. John once told me that I need to be more tolerant. I agree, I agree. John is the master of tolerance. I don’t know how he does it, but he can just deal with anything that’s thrown at him. Serenity is something that I was not born with.

Perhaps Sam has affected me more than I consciously realize. An affect that seems to have marked me for life, as Humbert Humbert had after meeting Annabel. It is arrogant of me to compare myself to such a beautiful, intelligent, though tragic, character as Humbert.

I hope I can get through this day.

I just finished watching Shaolin Temple with Pita. It had a good story and amazing fight scenes, but the dubbing just killed any acting or taking the movie seriously. The master was a very forgiving man though, as all Buddhist people should be, I’m assuming. It changed my perception of Buddhism in general. I always believed that it was an extremely strict belief system. And, I believe, it should be. After all, if you break one rule, why not break them all? However, I do believe that there is a balance that must be taken into account. If you are aware that you sin, and you seldom do it, then it should be alright.

I dabbled in Buddhism once in first year. It was enlightening, but incomplete. It just didn’t fit in with my life well at the time. Of course, the belief that suffering is inherent in life fit completely, but I was still a child (well, I still am, actually), trying to understand myself and the things around me. I think that I am better adjusted to something like Buddhism right now. I’m just not sure how closely I should follow its’ teachings.

I mean, I think I could live on rice. But celibacy?! I mean…I’m human. And to make things worse, I’m male. I think it’s something that I would really have to work on. Practicing Buddhism would definitely stop me from being such a good hater. I’m always worried that people will think that I’m conceited from the way I hate people. I know I’m no better than the rest, but do other people? It just worries me.

But it wouldn’t worry a Buddhist.