This kitten is so important to me right now. I think that this will be the closest thing to having kids for me. But as a human infant is dynamic and ever changing, creating a volatile environment of order, a cat is more static, leaving the possibility of boredom. This would be my worst nightmare. I hope I never grow tired of her. I hope “the novelty” never wears off. This life is my responsibility, and it will be the greatest test of my tolerance yet. Of course, there may be nothing in it; she may simply be a wonderful pet, which she is so far, creating a mutualistic symbiosis which I would gladly be a part of.

And, as one can tell, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m seeing somethings a little too far into the future, while I look at other things too unfocused to be viewed properly. If the jaguar is truly my totem, then I should be able to find patterns within this chaos, find some meaning in my present situation.

“a solid in the rippling water”